Important Days Pass
6 Mar 2010 at 3:02 pm. 2 Comments. 249 views.
Both our 6th wedding anniversary and the 10th month anniversary of her Angel Day have passed by. You bet I noticed but I tried to look sideways at them instead of directly so they’d only hit me with glancing blows. Any occasion can be turned into an event but I’ve spent the last number of months turning occasions into non-events, those days included. (more…)
The Proposal
21 Feb 2010 at 3:41 am. 18 Comments. 651 views.
Any sleep I got was restless at best. I was nervous, that’s for sure and the wheels in my brain were running round and round, over and over, reviewing every detail of The Plan. In my head I rehearsed the speech a hundred times with each time just a little different. Some versions were better and some were worse but I was struggling to make it perfect. Looking back, it is funny how I thought she’d care if I got the words exactly right. Make no mistake, though. The importance of the moment was clear so rehearse I did… But silently… over and over and over. Who needs sleep anyway? Occasionally, but very quietly, I’d sneak a peek outside. Yup, it was still snowing. That was my signal. Today was the day. (more…)
40 and 1/365 years
15 Feb 2010 at 8:00 pm. 14 Comments. 571 views.
Today, I’m 40 and 1/365 years old. I’ve made it through growing up not-so-rich in a single-parent household, a fairly hard undergrad program while working at least one job, worked my way up from the bottom, through a very hard MBA program while watching my wife be very sick, been rich, been broke, been in love and held my wife in my arms as she died. If you think about it, as I have been lately, a lot has happened in the last 40 years and 1 day. (more…)
My Birthday
10 Feb 2010 at 2:19 am. 4 Comments. 457 views.
My 40th birthday is just a few days away. More than anything as of late I dread that day. It represents a line in the sand I’m crossing, a demarcation of maturity and yet all the underpinnings that make that day (and the rest of my life) exciting have come unpinned. Now, instead of a celebration of What Was and What’s To Come, that dreadful day is instead a reminder of What’s Gone and What I’ll Never Have. (more…)
Legal Notice in the Newspaper
9 Feb 2010 at 10:10 pm. 2 Comments. 405 views.
You know those funny little things you’ve seen in the newspaper but never really understood what they were? You know, way back in the back in the classified ad section. They look like little mini legal gobbledygook documents. You’ve seen them. I’ve always kind of wondered what they were and even what the story was behind each of those odd little announcements to the world. In general, it’s kind of funny to me that they appear in the newspaper and that everyone (meaning our legal system) seems to accept that this is perfectly reasonable and normal. But in every newspaper they sit, quietly, in the back hinting at a million little heartbreaking details. (more…)
Nine Months Today
4 Feb 2010 at 11:00 pm. 6 Comments. 544 views.
It’s been nine months as of today. It’s just unbelievably difficult to grasp that it’s been nine months since I’ve last kissed my sweetie. I’ve been staying somewhat busy keeping my engine running one way or another. But I feel like my engine is just sputtering along like those in the old timey cartoons – with the smoke and popping and back-firing. It’s like one of my cylinders is missing. Some of my friends would argue otherwise. They’d say that I’ve been charging forward, guns a-blarring with both barrels on fire. Ah, but they are wonderful and optimistic friends and they don’t see the misfires. Or I hide them well. Or whatever. Either way, it just doesn’t feel like nine months have passed since that day. (more…)
Happy Birthday, My Angel
9 Dec 2009 at 2:55 pm. 13 Comments. 1293 views.
Today would have been Maggie’s 34th birthday. I’m so, so sad today it’s hard to put words to the depths of my sorrow. I feel like my heart is breaking yet again. (more…)
Messages to Maggie
7 Dec 2009 at 11:45 pm. 4 Comments. 764 views.
The fire is still burning. All that’s left of the basket that held the Messages to Maggie is the wire frame glowing red in the embers of the logs. The ashes of the clothes she wore her Angel Day are scattered about on top. The better place for them is in the fire than on my ironing board where they’ve sat since that day sans the time they’ve spent snuggled against my face. My puffy, bloodshot eyes definitely reflect how tough the night was. But despite the light drizzle, the fire is still burning. (more…)
A Message to Me
4 Nov 2009 at 2:42 pm. 7 Comments. 1012 views.
My trip home from lunch was fraught with emotional landmines. Stuff was just a blowin’ up everywhere. My fantastic yet touching lunch with a good friend probably lit the fuses. I left Wahoo’s just more than a little sad and happy.* So when I got in the car I went to my happy maker: music. While I put the top down (standard procedure) I flipped through the songs like Goldilocks (not quite right, a little too fast, a little too slow.) Then I hit on one I didn’t expect. As the first words of “Calling You” by Blue October escaped from the speakers, my heart just stopped. (more…)
Six Months Down
4 Nov 2009 at 11:23 am. 2 Comments. 657 views.
Today is the 6th month anniversary of Maggie’s death. So much has changed. And yet so many things are exactly the same as they were. (more…)