Nine Months Today
4 Feb 2010 at 11:00 pm. 3 Comments. 246 views.
It’s been nine months as of today. It’s just unbelievably difficult to grasp that it’s been nine months since I’ve last kissed my sweetie. I’ve been staying somewhat busy keeping my engine running one way or another. But I feel like my engine is just sputtering along like those in the old timey cartoons – with the smoke and popping and back-firing. It’s like one of my cylinders is missing. Some of my friends would argue otherwise. They’d say that I’ve been charging forward, guns a-blarring with both barrels on fire. Ah, but they are wonderful and optimistic friends and they don’t see the misfires. Or I hide them well. Or whatever. Either way, it just doesn’t feel like nine months have passed since that day. (more…)
Happy Birthday, My Angel
9 Dec 2009 at 2:55 pm. 13 Comments. 1219 views.
Today would have been Maggie’s 34th birthday. I’m so, so sad today it’s hard to put words to the depths of my sorrow. I feel like my heart is breaking yet again. (more…)
Messages to Maggie
7 Dec 2009 at 11:45 pm. 4 Comments. 718 views.
The fire is still burning. All that’s left of the basket that held the Messages to Maggie is the wire frame glowing red in the embers of the logs. The ashes of the clothes she wore her Angel Day are scattered about on top. The better place for them is in the fire than on my ironing board where they’ve sat since that day sans the time they’ve spent snuggled against my face. My puffy, bloodshot eyes definitely reflect how tough the night was. But despite the light drizzle, the fire is still burning. (more…)
A Message to Me
4 Nov 2009 at 2:42 pm. 7 Comments. 976 views.
My trip home from lunch was fraught with emotional landmines. Stuff was just a blowin’ up everywhere. My fantastic yet touching lunch with a good friend probably lit the fuses. I left Wahoo’s just more than a little sad and happy.* So when I got in the car I went to my happy maker: music. While I put the top down (standard procedure) I flipped through the songs like Goldilocks (not quite right, a little too fast, a little too slow.) Then I hit on one I didn’t expect. As the first words of “Calling You” by Blue October escaped from the speakers, my heart just stopped. (more…)
Six Months Down
4 Nov 2009 at 11:23 am. 2 Comments. 622 views.
Today is the 6th month anniversary of Maggie’s death. So much has changed. And yet so many things are exactly the same as they were. (more…)
Moments Frozen in Time
28 Oct 2009 at 11:23 pm. 2 Comments. 624 views.
Back in the early 80s I went to orchestra camp where one year I fell in love with a girl named Ginny. It was the most true of a love a 14 year old could have. After I returned home, I listened endlessly to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits. The emotions the songs on that album stirred up spoke to me and called to my soul. For a year, those melodies gave my life deeper meaning and even a higher calling. The songs on that album helped me better define who I was. (more…)
3,612 Nice to See Yous
26 Oct 2009 at 9:59 pm. 5 Comments. 567 views.
Did you ever stop to consider how many days you actually have with those you care about? Maggie and I met on June 14, 1999. She died May 4, 2009. 3,612 days. That’s not very many, really. Way too few, in my humble opinion but hey, fate didn’t ask me. Neither did The Cancer. (more…)
Emotional Sniper Shots
21 Oct 2009 at 10:18 pm. 11 Comments. 655 views.
My new emotional companions are what I’ve labeled rifle shots. Much like a devastatingly accurate shot from deer rifle, these rifle shots strike suddenly, unexpectedly and with tremendous emotional lethality. Unlike the emotional waves from previous months, these little bastards give no warning at all. The old waves of fun times, uh, I mean, emotion would swell up like a tide or tsunami and drench everything in drab. They were very overwhelming and could, if not carefully checked with acceptance and positive thoughts, drag me down quickly into a real mess. In contrast, these new rifle shots come on suddenly, with nary a warning. Think lightning bolt. I’m trucking along like nothing sad has ever happened and then WHAM! Tears are just flowing. It’s bizarre, absolutely bizarre. (more…)
Hits Still Coming
7 Oct 2009 at 10:01 pm. 8 Comments. 1015 views.
It’d be ok with me if I could get off this ride. You’d think by now it’d mostly be over, right? No, I’m reminded daily how much more travel down this path I’ve got to still go. The closet, or as I call, The Tomb of Lost Shoes and Purses, is a place I rarely go. And, as anyone who has been to my house recently can attest, I’ve successfully transferred my clothes to the living room, shoes and all, obviating the need to visit The Tomb for anything other than a brief consult with the ironing board. I haven’t even begun to think about starting to wonder what the heck I’m going to do with all the other stuff, like her mementoes and books and collection of fingernail polishes and makeup and year books and music CDs and wedding dress and Halloween costumes and girly things and…. The list just goes on and on. Of course, that’s just one big piece of the party. I get other pieces in the mail daily. (more…)
Maggie’s Cool Car
28 Sep 2009 at 8:43 pm. 9 Comments. 852 views.
Today the Mercedes dealership called to congratulate Maggie on three years ownership of her car. Apparently, I bought the car back on September 28, 2006. While I didn’t realized it had been three years, I clearly remember the event but it seems like so long ago. The car was an early graduation gift from me to her. She was so, so happy about it but she was also studying for her finals or something else important that my show of kindness was interrupting so celebrations were brief. Nonetheless, she posed for a few photos and then shooed me off so she could continue her colligate grind. It was a fun day and one of my favorite memories. (more…)