I haven’t been updating as often as before. It’s getting harder to pull through our daily lives. I’m not sure as to why that would cause me to be a less prolific writer. I’d expect, as it has been before, that the more difficult the times, the more driven to write I’d be. But my actions (or lack thereof) speak for themselves. I’m sure I’ll pay some psychiatrist one day to peel back the emotional onion that has been the last few years. But for now, I cope. We cope.
Maggie’s pain continues to grow worse. It seems to come in cycles. It’s not debilitating in that it’s preventing her from functioning. But it’s ever present, sometimes much worse than others. As a result we’re going through the pain meds considerably faster now – about one bag every eight hours or so. Sometimes we’ll burn through a bag in less than four, although that’s rare. Right now the number one problem is the pain in her chest. It’s making breathing problematic. The tumors in her neck are causing issues with swallowing, too, although it’s not anything critical. Actually, nothing is really critical. She’s mostly up and about and doing ok. It’s just tough to accept that we appear to be losing ground.
Energy has become a significant issue, too. She doesn’t have much to spare. I’m not sure if that’s because nightly sleep is more difficult or because of increased pain meds wear her down or there is some other issue. But afternoon naps for three or more hours aren’t unusual. It’s such a stark contrast to…. Well, it’s just so different.
Yesterday, we went into the Spa for some urgent tests that I know Maggie’d prefer I’d not call out specifically. Basically, the antibiotic that we took to quash any lingering risk of pneumonia caused another unpleasant (but fairly common) side-effect. Dr. Loukas wanted to double-check that this new side-effect wasn’t something worse that might quickly lead to hospitalization (c. diff). Our quick 30 minutes trip ended up instead being a four hour visit so she could get re-hydrated. Nothing like a mid-day four hour trip to the Spa to break up the day. And, grumble, we still haven’t heard back about the tests.
On a personal note, I seem to have lost my sense of humor which is quite worrisome I’ve always claimed that the two things you can count on with me no matter what are my appetite and my sense of humor. At least I’m still eating well but the jokes aren’t flowing like they used to. That humor thing is around here somewhere. I’ll find it again eventually. I suppose that, in the grand scheme, my lack of jokes is somewhat funny.
Perhaps the toughest challenge of all is that at a time when we need each other the most, we have the least extra oomph to give to one another. She needs me to be strong, be positive, to take care of the house and to tend to all the “life maintenance” stuff. I need her support me emotionally, and, since I seem to be doing more staring into space than housework, to help me care for the house and tend to other “life maintenance” stuff. We’re like a couple of completely ineffective co-dependants.
Despite it all, Maggie’s spirits are good. She’s still got her smiles for me and that feeds my fire. I don’t know what I’d do without her.