Our Great Cancer Adventure is nearly over. We don’t have much farther to go together, hand-in-hand. We stopped skipping hand-in-hand a while back, and settled on a brisk but cheery walk. A few weeks ago, we had to slow down the pace again to a nice saunter. The last couple of weeks, we’ve been barely shuffling along. Now, I stumble awkwardly forward, proud but tired, carrying her on my back. And family and friends pick me up each time I fall to my knees. But we are still together, still smile, still joke and we still hold hands. Just not for much longer now.
Maggie still wants to be chatty but something unknown has stolen her angelic voice. She can offer nothing but faint whispers which causes her (and me) great frustration. She still has so much to say. Each word steals a little breath from her, too, of which she has so little to spare. But, despite the struggles, she certainly hasn’t lost her sense of humor. She’ll trade a little breath for a laugh.
I called Hospice yesterday because Maggie was having a lot of breathing-related anxiety. Rather, NOT-BREATHING-related anxiety. They sent over a nice lady who explained to me, yet again, that I should Maggie morphine every hour if needed. No need to tell me twice (just four or five times.) Since then, nearly every hour, morphine cocktails. And it’s helped tremendously. She also told me, like others who have come before her, that her lorazepam needs to be on a fixed schedule. So, now she gets it every four hours, day and night. Together, the morphine and lorazepam are helping keep Maggie from having anxiety by both slowing her breathing and calming her mind. It’s working. A calm, drugged Maggie is much, much better than a scared Maggie. Just typing that makes me cry.
The drugs heavily sedating Maggie which is tough to see. Her eyes roll and her eye lids droop. She fades off in mid-sentence or, less conveniently, in the middle of taking one of her pills with the pill still stuck on her tongue. I have to help her keep her focus if I need it. The drugs are also causing her to be delirious. We had a variety of go-nowhere conversations last night that had multiple unexpected twists. It’s hard to see that happen. The first time it was disturbing. She was coughing and somehow was trying to explain how she needed to get the stuff in her lungs out for her mom and into HEB or Randall’s. Since, we’ve talked briefly about having a motorcycle side car, rock salt, more caffeine, and other topics. The conversations make me sad. I struggle with my own internal, crazy dialog: “Stop giving her the drugs so you can have your old Maggie back.” Geesh.
Maggie’s knee caps are cold, ice cold. And her feet, too. The Hospice nurse told me yesterday that when the body starts to shut down, it starts with the knee caps. Apparently, the brain doesn’t see them as vital parts. It’s a sign, she said in a hushed but urgent voice, that we need to make sure all that is unsaid between us is said. I smiled through my rolling tears and told her that Maggie and I have nothing to say because it has all already been said… daily… since we met. As I said this to the nurse, a sudden feeling of warmth and tranquility washed over me. I realized that no matter when It happened, it didn’t really matter. It didn’t even really matter if I was there when It happened. There is no doubt in my mind that Maggie knows exactly how I feel. And I know how she feels, too.
Mary, Nickie and Lori all spent the night here last night scattered around the house. They have been and are being very helpful.
I know many, many people would like to come visit with Maggie. I do not want to keep you from coming but, if you do, please, please keep your visit very short (5 minutes or so). Maggie is having a tough time and needs lots of rest. What she does not need is another room full of people right now. It’s just too much for her. Thank you for understand.
oh chris… i am praying for you. God Bless you both
God bless all of you. Our prayers are for all of you.
I have no words, only pain.
Mondays are bad enough but this just makes it that much tougher to swallow.
My thoughts are with you both right now and I wish you the best that you can possibly grasp at this moment.
Peace be with you.
God bless you both and may His strength carry you through this time. Your love for each other is humbling and amazing.
I am sorry for the pain your family is struggling with. God Bless you and your family. Your Maggie has been an inspiration to so many people. GOD BLESS.
Sincerely
Cathy Conde
(monica quintero’s sister)
Chris, I have been following y’alls journey through this for about a year and a half and even though I do not know y’all, I feel like I do. I am a friend of Leslee’s from way back. I have been praying so hard for you both and for a miracle to happen. What a blessing you are and have been especially to Maggie, but to the rest of us as well who can come here and get a glimpse into what this must be like for you, although we’ll never truly know. We are all put here on this planet for a specific purpose, for an unspecified time, but I do know that Maggie and you both have blessed so many, many, many people and have touched so many lives through health and now through sickness and how you’ve handled it all.
May God’s hand rest upon you both and hold you close to His chest during this very, very difficult time.
Our family has documented the years with thousands of pictures. We made sure to take the pictures of her in her last days, too. My Grandma was also on morphine and I had a very difficult time seeing her in that state. That was not the Grandma I grew up with. After her passing, I would look at those pictures every time I’d get angry or question my faith. Those pictures remind me that she was hurting, suffering and that I was being selfish for wanting her back. I know she is in a better place. But it sucks!
Chris and Maggie, I pray for you daily. I pray for peace. You have a love that is so strong and I admire you for that.
My sentences were out of order. It’s difficult sometimes to type through tears.
“When my Grandma was ill” was supposed to come at the beginning of the second sentence.
Chris, I hope the strength that everyone’s putting out into the universe for you is palpable at the moments you need it most.
Many prayers of comfort for you all. So, so sorry for the pain you all are going through. To offer anything seems silly as no one can understand what you are feeling and facing, but here is my feeble attempt. The words to the song below have been a comfort to me in the midst of many trials. I pray they somehow are to you.
He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong, I’m weary
I’m holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You’re with me
[chorus]
And even though I’m walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me
And even though I’m walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You’d see me through the storm
And even though I’m walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in my battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me
Beautiful.
Chris, I hope you can feel it, because my arms are around you. I love you so much
We’re here, Chris.
I think we’re all just at a loss for words or understanding. I’m just left praying for you and Maggie to have peace, comfort, and dignity. We will pick you up again and again and again. I am incredibly blessed to witness all the love and wonderful people that are connected via you and Maggie.
The light of your life may pass on but the light in your heart will not go out and the love of your life will stay with you always and forever.
Take care and God Bless you both.
Love and prayers to you all – prayers for strength and comfort. My heart goes out to you all.
The feeling of tranquility that you and Maggie have said everything you need to say is a true gift; hold tight to that gift. Many folks don’t usually get that chance. We are all here for you and your family. Call on us for anything; please please don’t be afraid to do so. I’m struggling for words right now …
We’re here for both of you. We’re praying for both of you.
I have no words to say, but know that I am praying for you and Maggie and for all those who love you both. Thank you so much for sharing this adventure with all of us.
I know you know how Chris feels, but I hope you know how the rest of us feel too…Maggie, always know you are loved.
GOD is with you right now providing you and Maggie with all of your strength.
My heart hurts …
God be with you both.
Love, hugs, and prayers for you both.
I echo what Jolie says… my hearts hurts terribly…
may God give Maggie peace and tranquility at a time when only He can. I love you Mags as do so many. Everyone should be as blessed as we all are to have a friend like you.
Chris-your strength is amazing dude. Keep on keeping on.
I am praying for you guys and thinking of you constantly.
Praying right now that God would wrap you in His arms, give you peace, and let you know how truly loved you both are. Like so many others, my heart is absolutely aching…
Peace and love.
Maggie, you have touched our hearts and our souls. You have brightened this earth with your energy and enthusiasm for life. I second Lauren’s comment above. Know you are loved by us all. Our prayers and thoughts are with you now and always.
Chris, I think it’s so amazing that you have found warm tranquility in the knowledge that Maggie knows how you feel about her and vice versa. At the end of the day and the end of a life, does anything matter more? I pray that you are able to steal away moments with your sweetie where you can hold each other and look into each other’s eyes and see nothing but love and peace in every direction.
Our deepest thoughts and prayers are with you both. We love you.
Praying for you both.
Chris – – – you, Maggie, Mary, Lori, and Nickie are all in my heart. I pray that you find peace and comfort in knowing how many friends care so much. I hate that I am on the road and not there with you just one more time, Maggie.
You have both loved and been loved well.
You have lived with your love debts paid up.
I am a balcony person to this love story.
Already I hear a tearful standing ovation building for you both. What a joy and a sorrow all together like Maggie’s picture now hanging in our house—stunning color overlaid with shades of blue.
Blessings on you both.
Wow, this is powerful….a tearful standing ovation. It reminds me of the day Maggie was honored onstage at Baylor, for those of us who knew what the “difficult circumstances” were, there was no dry eye. But for everyone else, there was not one person sitting down. For this is how I will remember Maggie forever, a smile on her face, Chris standing beside her, and in the background…a standing ovation.
Oh Chris…,
My thoughts and prayers are with you & Maggie.
You both held fast…
Donald MacLeod
Chris & Maggie, ya’ll were sitting in my office in January whenever this mother-of-all-journeys started, and have traveled it with every word. Soooooooo, my pain feels very great, BUT, having said that, I cannot possibly begin to imagine how great your pain must be. AND, even greater, Maggie’s emotional AND physical pain. I do not know that kind of strength! God is going to just love that SMILE that Maggie gives…God will smile back at her.
I should have said this long before…I really want to thank you Maggie. You encouraged and supported me during a time in my life when I didn’t feel like I had a lot of support. You may not remember this because it was just another day of Maggie being an amazing person. I, however, will remember this act of kindness for the rest of my life. You are an inspiration to me and I thank God you came into my life.
Love,
Courtney Harris
Please know that we are praying for you both and know that God will carry you through this very difficult time.
I am praying for you both.
Chris and Maggie,
I am at a loss for words. My heart aches for you both, having to have gone through all of this. You both are amazing. I hope you can feel the prayers and love coming from us all.
Chris, we are blessed and grateful that you have allowed us to be with you and Maggie on your journey. Her body is ravaged but her spirit will live on through your words. Peace and love from a reader who has come to know you both but, unfortunately, never met you.
Priscilla Hellums
Grateful to say prayers for you both.
-a friend on the same journey
Maggie and Chris,
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. As so many have said before me, the two of you are an inspiration, and I am so, so lucky to have had the opportunity to know you both.
Chris there is a song by Amel Larrieux – that Im hoping can bring you some small measure of comfort…. Ive pasted the lyrics here – id be happy to get you the MP3… Its a beautiful song… (for a smile – I almost hit submit with it saying “Its a beautiful dong, lol)
“Beyond”
Across the room
Across the street
Across the water where the two big blues meet
Across the widest space til you reach infinity
My love will still be
Beyond the sorrow
Beyond regret
Beyond the tremors of a quake you can’t forget
Beyond the hardest times man you ain’t seen nothing yet
My love will still be
My love will still be
It’s out of , out of my hands you see
[Chorus]
In your present and future
Over and under
Inside and outside
Close and asunder
From the moment you awake
Til’ the moonlight adorns your face
When your memory begins to fade
Never will my love
Above the sunset
Above the trees
Above the highs and lows that make up reality
Above the resting place of the body that I leave
My love will still be
Thank you Maggie, for being a great sister-in-law, for bringing Lori and Mary into my family too. But most of all, thank you for being Chris’s best friend, his lover, his confidante, his soulmate, his sparring partner, his life.
Today I saw my friend reach out and take the pale hand of his sleeping wife as she took short, shallow breaths. His pain was evident in his eyes as he watched a vital part of himself slipping away. I felt my eyes fill with tears.
And then she was speaking in her little voice, asking for water. And so gently he put his cheek up to hers to listen closely. In those tender looks and touches an infinity of love and a harsh brevity.
I’m here for you to lean on, Chris, when you need it.
Hello Chris and Maggie!!
I am so sorry to hear what is happening and I pray deeply for you both. You two are the perfect couple that are always smiling with joy, happiness. It is very hard to read your comments without shedding tears. You are a very strong, loving soldier, both of you and it saddens me deeply to keep reading. I pray for both of you and your families. My heart reaches out to you wonderful people. I went through this with my dad in 2004 so I know how stressful and difficult this can be. Once again I pray for you both to be strong as best as you can, keep your heads up.
I am praying for you both.
I am glad you found some peace in the knowledge of love well shared. Long, long ago, the two of you provided an example of love that I’ve held as a target to shoot for. You are both amazing, beautiful people, and your love well shared has not only touched many people, but is being reflected back at you during this unspeakably difficult time.
This is sooooooooo sad..,I am without words, I just hope and pray to God to watch over both of you and help you deal with everything at this very difficult time………
I am sorry Chris…we all know how much you love Maggie…and what takes people a whole lifetime to find, Maggie has found at her young age with you…a pure love.
May God be with you both………
“Is anyone crying for help?
God is listening, ready to rescue you.
If your heart is broken, you’ll find
God right there;
If you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”
~Psalm 34:17,18. The Message
“Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see–
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.”
~Psalm 34:8 The Message
Beautiful, Shawna. Thank you for reminding us.
Chris, our prayers are with you and Maggie. Like everyone, we wish we could do something more to help you. I’m glad you’ve had this amazing love in your life for the past 10 years. So very lucky.
I’m screaming on the inside. My heart is just breaking. I wish peace and comfort for both of you. I’m so touched by all the support that has continued to be there for Maggie and yourself. It has been such an honor to have met Maggie, even though they have been brief encounters. Being in this business myself has never lessend the pain. We love both of you.
Chris…. All of us have been on this journey with you and Maggie. We have all felt the joy, pain, sadness and most of all love that both of you have shared through the years. Some of us are of course closer but it still affects us all the same. This journey has left an imprint in my heart and soul and will be there the rest of my life. I cannot express how blessed I am to have experienced all this with you and you giving us the opportunity to do so. I love you both dearly. My love and blessings always.
I only met Maggie once through our mutual friend Katie, and I only stumbled across this blog recently. In the short time I met Maggie, I realized that she was something special. She’s a wonderful woman, and I didn’t really get to talk to you that night, but you sound like an amazing man, so it’s painful just to even read this blog. You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. You guys have shared something special, something that the end of the journey can’t take away from either of you.
My heart breaks for you both. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your families.
May you and Msggie be rid of all this pain soon, the two of you deserve freedom from all of this. My thoughts are with you both…
Through these tears, I pray for God to lessen the pain for you both. There has not been a better example for me of love, life, strength and happiness through you two. Love you Mag’s!! I pray every day that God is with you & Chris every minute of every day….. You two are an example to us all in so many different ways.
God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not be be
So he put his arms around you
And whispered “come to me”
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer
And saw you fade way
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay
A gladdened heart stopped beating
Hard working hands to rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best
You guys are an extra-ordinary couple. I pray peace and strength for Maggie and you.
Godspeed Maggie
Both of you are amazing, and always will be. I am very lucky to know you. I’ll still be praying.
My every thought and prayer are with you both. My heart is breaking yet full all at the same time. Full at seeing the love you two have for each other and knowing y’all are probably closer and more connected than any two people can be. And breaking because of the great pain you are going through. I wish I could make the pain stop and make it all go away. You two are truly an inspiration.
Maggie and Chris, we are thinking of you.
May God continue to give you strength and peace. Prayers for both of you and your families.
I had the gift of visiting with Maggie today for a just a little bit earlier this afternoon. I sat on the bed facing her as she was propped up against many very comfy pillows and I held both her hands. Admittedly – I was not prepared for how she looked. Her breathing is dramatically shallow and difficult and the sores in her mouth Chris mentioned in a previous post are evident and annoying for her, but the liquid morphine appears to be knocking out all the pain pretty well. But she is *still* fighting (Go Maggie!) Her very breathy and very brief words indicated she is coherent and lucid . But her eyelids were heavy, her gazes tended to be unfocused and her eyes would close often if I didn’t keep speaking to her. I told her the difference she has made in my life as well as an incredible inspiration she’s been to me as well as our close friends and even people she doesn’t even know. She was able to manage a whispered, but labored sentence of, “I’m glad I could do that for you” (with a slight smirk) and I again reassured her that she had most definitely had – and not just for me. I told her that we will all be there for Chris, that we will all take care of him. She whispered Chris was her “greatest concern”. I reminded her of the innumerable amount of people they have surrounding she and him with love and support and we will always be here for him – always. She mouthed “thank you.” I shared that in the future ‘problems’ that I perceived as having – would pale in comparison to her battle and that I believe that I can conquer anything set in my way, having learned by her example of fearlessness. I told her how much very I loved her and what she has meant to me over these nine or so years, her amazing smile, fun loving nature, energy and most of all – her friendship . She gripped both my hands very tightly at this point. Much harder that I expected that she could do and looked at me as best she good through the uncooperative eyelids and pulled the corners of her mouth up. I did see a smile, because I saw those beautiful white teeth of hers. The hand grips said it all. I didn’t need her to try to say anything else.
One thing I wanted to add that I shared with Maggie. This whole 2+ year roller-coaster experience has given me the drive to be the best friend I can be to the friends that I love and have; To offer anything I have or am able to give to those who need it. I don’t know what the direct correlation is but – I’m not going to question it. It’s a good feeling and I attribute it to Maggie, Chris and this whole surreal experience. Perhaps it’s just a realization to never take your friends for granted and you will be amazed at how they will be there for you when you need them most.
Brooke, beautifully put and your visit with Maggie sounded unforgettable. You gave her as much joy as she gave you, knowing her Chris will be in caring hands.
The two of you have some amazing strength and share a beautiful bond!!! My prayers are with you two, always…
I am thinking of you both and praying for peace for you. Maggie, I’m so sorry you will be leaving us so soon. Chris, thank you for this site. I know this experience is just terrible….thank you for allowing all of us to be here with you. It takes alot of courage to go through what you’re going though and courage beyond measure to write it down.
I came to this blog from another blog just recently. My heart breaks for both Maggie and Chris. I have experienced the terrible cancer with my mother and father both, my father much too young and without hospice in those days. My mother however did use hospice. Chris, do what the hospice people suggest. It will be difficult to see things happen but it will be peaceful for Maggie. Assure Maggie that you will be fine and she will then find that peace. We all know you will not be fine for quite a while, but let Maggie know that you will. That is what all patients in this situation want to know. Chris, you have many people to lean on obviously. Please use them, as it is not easy to do this alone. My heart still aches for my mother and father, so I cannot imagine what you are going through.
You are both very strong people and very brave to go through all that you have and to put it in writing for all to read.
The road doesn’t end. It’s just a different chapter of remembering.
Peace to both of you. You both deserve all the peace in the world.
I have met two wonderful people; Chris, my heart aches for you.
Chris,
The frist time I met Maggie she came in the shop for her wig with one of her girlfriends. Smiling the whole time telling me about her Cancer and showing me her stomach. Then the next time she came with her Mom and sister. Then she came in with you. I will never forget what she said to me. She looked at me and smiled and said “I have a wonderful life” ….Now I know why going thru all that she had to go through why she said that. It was YOU!
You were brought together for a reason, now you know why.
No matter what each day brings, I pray for you both.
Love in Him,
God bless you Maggie.
May God grant you peace.
screw cancer.
My heart is there with both of you. Chris, you have been selfless in your love for Maggie, and no matter how hard, have always done the right thing for her. I pray that you may find strength and eventual peace. Dear Maggie, now rest in the arms of the angels. Godspeed.
I know, the reality is, some day I may face end of life issues same with my husband. There is no gaurantee that his cancer is cured nor that it won’t come back with a vegeance. I can only hope, that I will be as courageous as you have been,Chris. May God grant you the peace that passes all understanding.
Love, hugs, and peace to you both.
I regret that my duties have kept me from Texas for so long. The most regrettable aspect of my life is undoubtedly the time I lose with so many of the people I hold dear. Getting to know the both of you is a memory that I will forever cherish from my law school years. Maggie, you were and always will be the smiling, electric spark that energized everyone in your presence. There is not a single person who spent any time with you who wasn’t enriched. Chris, you have been a rock, and an inspiration to all who love someone. God bless you in the time you have left to share, and be warmed with the knowledge that you were truly loved by an angel. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
I just got word of her passing. I’m so sorry Chris.
Chris and Maggie, I feel so lucky that I know you both. You are such amazing people. I am thinking very, very hard about you and sending you all of my love from New York. Thank you so much for being so giving of your time and space during my visit. It was truly a blessing to be able to spend time shooting the breeze just like old times. I don’t know what to say besides thank you. I love you both and wish I could just squeeze you both and make everything better.
Somehow, I’d thought there’d be a miracle. Well, maybe there was. Maybe Maggie’s life was the miracle.
Yes.
I was talking with a close friend who has not met Maggie, but had heard much about her and her amazing affect on so many. I said we were all waiting for a miracle to pull her out of this whole mess. Especially since her belief that it could really happen was so strong. My friend simply said “Perhaps the miracle has already happened. Everyone just hasn’t stepped back to see it yet”.
It is with a heavy heart that I must report that Maggie has gone to be with her Lord. We shall always remember her with such great wonderment and love.
Now we must lift up Chris for healing. We will band together to help him overcome his sadness and turn it to joy, help him remember amazing wife, and all of the blessings that they had that very few people ever get.
We love you Chris and we are so very happy that Maggie is free from pain and suffering. But she will not be forgotten.
I do not know you, Carrie but your love and protection for Chris are overwhelming and he is lucky to have you there to see him through this difficult time. So many people are praying for your family right now.
Peace be with all of you, and Maggie.
Maggie and Chris, we are thinking of you both and wishing you peace.
-fs
Oh Chris…
Can’t find words…
Chris, I’m so so sorry. We will all miss Maggie so much it hurts. I am praying for you and your and Maggie’s family.
Chris,
I (like so many others) have no words….only prayers for you, your family and your many close friends who have surrounded you both throughout this time of great joy and great sadness. Thank you for the times you allowed me to spend with Maggie – I loved every single moment!!
Chris words can not express how sad I am for your loss and my heart hurts for you. Maggie’s death is filled with tragedy but her life was full of joy and inspiration as she touched the lives of those around her. You and Maggie shared a bond most people only dream of and nothing will ever be able to take that from you. Sam and I are here for you please let us know if there is anything we can do…..So sorry.
I am so very saddened and write this comment with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.
It is apparent from your blog posts that you love Maggie with all your heart and soul. You are both very blessed to have had each other, even if for such a brief moment in time.
My mother passed away some years ago following a liver disorder. My step-father and she had a marriage much like yours and Maggies. I always admired their loving relationship, and I admire your’s as well.
I also belong to the grief club. I lost my son 9 years ago when he was only 12 years old. I thought that the overwhelming pain and grief would never leave my soul. I will always miss him and sometimes I still feel the pall of his death, much like a blanket of sorrow. Just know that the sharpness of the pain will subside and somehow, you will befriend the grief as it becomes part of who you are.
God bless you and take soften your pain.
Luca’s Mom
Chris,
My deepest sympathy.Maggie left this world knowing she was so deeply loved by you. You have kept the rest of us lovingly informed of your journey. What a wonderful and loving youg man you are. God love you.
Hello friends, I’ve been asked by the family to create a digital slideshow from pictures from Maggie’s life for the Memorial Service we will be having soon (TBD).
If you have any photos of you and Maggie, or Maggie with other friends – please send them to me at [MaggiePhoto (@) marybrooke (dot) com] and I will do my best to include as many of them as possible on the slideshow for the service. Please let me know if you have any questions. Please do try to send me the best quality/version of the photos that you have.
Thanks and bless you all,
Brooke
Chris-
I do not know you but after reading this I cried for over an hour! I realized that ‘I am not alone’ in feeling so much pain during such events. I will say that you are strong, probably one of the strongest individuals I have ever felt. I could feel you and your pain for Maggie ( I wish that I knew both of you)… My father went to God about 6 years ago and he also had colon cancer… I was so sad and denied the entire sickness, being his baby daughter, I only wanted him well and with me… After he went off to glory, my new marriage failed and my entire world fell apart..Pay attention to your dreams Chris as I dreamt of my father so many times and now I believe that they were not just dreams at all.. In each dream, he was perfect, healthy, and very happy to see me… After my father passed I woke on my couch late one night screaming out the words “the flowers were beautiful” over and over again.. This was shortly after his funeral..I woke so hard and was sitting up straight with my eyes shut saying this… My husband at the time woke me as I was still sleeping… “the floweres were beautiful” was something that my father would have said to me.. I believe that he was talking to me at that moment.. reaching me and telling me “thank you”… That was my dad… From that moment on, I knew that my father was with me… Now I’m stronger and mostly for going through the experience.. The hard part is now Chris… But you are a beautiful man with a heart of gold… Please be sad and do not let others to take away how you truly feel now..I know it’s odd… I’m telling you to be how you need to be to get through this… You are beautiful and God is there for you, always has been.. Sounds as if your many friends are there too! Take care of your heart and remember that Maggie is now watching over you and that is precious… Feel her as she is there! My words may not be as soft as some but I am here to tell you that Maggie loves you and she is with you always Chris…As she is truly an angel…. Peace to you and your family and friends.