Pain Pump is Gone

They came to get her pain pump yesterday. With it, they took a bag I put together full of other various items we’ve been using daily since November of last year: tubes, saline flushes, heparin flushes, bandages, medicine packs of fentanyl, alcohol wipes, UV brown plastic bags. None of it belonged here and now it’s all gone. When he came, the pickup guy was a little uncomfortable but I wasn’t. I even took one last look at that little machine, held its familiar weight in my hand and felt… nothing. So, out it goes.

They’ve also called to tell me my 10 certified death certificates are ready to be picked up. I haven’t called them back. I will need those eventually, I’ll bet.

Maggie’s body was donated to science. By Tuesday after she died she was on a flight to Maryland where she would undergo a physical of some sort to decide what parts should go where. Since then I’ve been pondering what part of her is where? I’ll probably never know but I’d like to. I can tell you where her heart is, though. Cuddled up right next to mine.

10 thoughts on “Pain Pump is Gone

  1. Chris,
    I felt compelled to write to you after learning of Maggie’s passing. I knew her in high school, not close friends though. I am saddend to think she struggled with this and I was none the wiser. After reading all these blogs, (yes all) I am happy to see she had a strong person in her life unconditonally.Bless you for your strength and courage. While you journey in life continues I pray you find that happiness again.

  2. Hi Chris,
    You don’t know me and this is the first time I have written… wish I had your email so it wouldn’t post but that is ok.

    My name is Wendy and I lost my husband to cancer on 2/25/09 his name was Paul and he was everything to me…. highschool sweethearts and all. We have two boys 12 and 7.

    I had been following (ok yes lurking sorry) on your website for a while now. I am so sorry.

    As I read through your list of normal and not normal I found myself chuckling out loud. I could TOTALLY relate to every point in each list.

    I guess the main reason I am writing now is in the past three months I know there are ok days and down days and if you wanted to correspond I would love to do that… just to have a place to “let it out” because I so understand the emotions you are feeling too. You are not alone. Missing Maggie yes…. but you are not alone in your missing and I just wanted you to know that.

    I think you have my email since I had to enter it to leave this post if you wanted to just correspond, ask if this or that is “normal” or just vent.

    My heart goes out to you Chris.

  3. Since the theme of these comments go along with mine I will say that I’ve been reading your blog for a year. I met you and Maggie once. Keep writing, keep on.

  4. I am also a fellow lurker, stalker…whatever you call it. My husband worked with Maggie at Scient. We have actually met at a party at your house when you guys were just dating. As many others have said, I have been reading this blog for as long as I can remember…I love your writing style, Chris. I think this is a great forum for you to express how you are feeling and what you are going through. Please keep on keeping on… in a very strange way, I think a lot of us “need” you to keep this going.
    God Bless you,

  5. Hey Chris just a shout out. I continue to pray for you, and I keep picturing Maggie up there taking great big beautiful breaths of fresh heavenly air. Much love, Karen

  6. Hi Chris! I too am a lurker. I started reading blogs just after my husband was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. I was “e-rooting” for you both.. I’m sorry your Maggie is gone – but I truly believe you should keep writing. I’m sure Maggie would want you to continue as well! I look at your blog daily – hoping you’ve written. Your views on life are insightful, inspirational and often make me chuckle out loud! All my best to you as you find a “new normal.” Kathy in Utah

  7. Dear Chris,
    I think you will know when you are ready to stop writing and what is now the best way to make YOUR self care your number one priority. You have a lot of healing to do, too, and we will all be thinking of you whether you are writing or not.
    You have touched many lives and that is neither a small nor easy feat… Thank you for that and God bless you.

  8. Chris, I think a piece of her is with all of us…I hope a have a small part of her heart too. I think of her and you every hour, every day. Please know I am here for you always.

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