Speaking of getting things in the mail, Saturday I received Maggie’s ashes via US Postal Service.  No ominous music played.  No fanfare of horns.  No million bells ringing.  Just a lone post office employee walking up my front steps with a cardboard box addressed to me in hand. Continue reading Maggie’s Ashes →

During this process of “moving on,” occasionally something pops up that just really surprises me (other than random songs on the radio that disturb my breakfast taco eating time.)  The things to which I refer are typically done by folks who mean well and are meant to help but, instead, just make me laugh out loud out of, well, shock.  In today’s mail delivery was just one of those things. Continue reading Well-Meaners →

For good or for bad, I’ve established a bit of a morning ritual.  It gets me out of bed, showered, out of the house and food in my morning tummy so that’s good.  For bad, it costs me $5 every day.  The ritual is called Taco Shack and it’s right down the street from our my house.  Lately, I’ve been loading Kali into the convertible, too, to give her a little outside time.  She rides extremely well in the car and I’m pretty sure she enjoys the trip.  So, this morning, with Kali hangin’ in the car and me sitting outside at a picnic table eating my carne guisada breakfast taco (with a little added egg for protein), I had a moment.  I’ve talked about the emotions rolling like waves.  Well, this wave just damn near knocked me off my plastic seat. Continue reading Let The Day Begin →

Today has been miserably difficult.  There’s no particular reason why, I suppose.  But, damn, I don’t have the words to describe the deep sorrow that has pressed on my heart all day.  I certainly don’t actively look for things that remind me of her yet they light up like flares all around me.  Tonight, by myself, I watched the old movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks.  It was just full of references to Maggie and our relationship.  No kidding.  The last half of the movie, the part where he came back to his wife who had moved on assuming he was dead after the crash was just miserable. I don’t remember it being this sad the last time I watched it.  I suppose being upstairs in the TV room again, OUR TV room without her didn’t help.  The puppies are good company but my hand sure was cold and her side of the couch sure was empty.  I remember all too clearly our last meal and TV night up there.  (We had spaghetti, just like I ate tonight.)  All these lasts and firsts are just stabbing me deeply with slow blades. Continue reading Miserable Day →

Today is the tenth anniversary of our first date.  Suffice to say the day started out pretty rough.  But, hey, it got worse from there.  Fortunately, and unbeknownst to them, some friends rescued me from my pity party with a random and well-timed invitation to lunch and a movie.  We saw Night in a Museum II which was cute and a welcome distraction followed immediately byafternoon drinks and chit-chat at Baby A’s on the patio.  It was nice. Continue reading Our 10th Anniversary →

I’ve been feeling very stir crazy but with a neutered git r done. My brain has been feeling like it’s frozen, locked up, like I’ve been rebooting. Nothing has been going on upstairs now for a few weeks. Just nothing. It’s the oddest feeling, kind of creepy. I even tried to make a list of things that sound fun and failed miserably. Me, the king of creative and random fun things to do came up with nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true. My list of fun things consisted of three whole things. Top of my list was “Learn Quickbooks.” How ridiculous is that? The others aren’t particularly boast-worthy either. This mental meltdown has been driving me nuts. I feel like I’ve been just stuck in neutral. Well, at least until last Thursday morning. Continue reading Git R Done →

A while back someone asked what I was so mad about. Not in a what’s-wrong-with-you kind of way. More in a friendly let’s-talk-about-it way. Hard to explain but they meant well and their question, while I answered it with merely a smirk, caused me to think for a while as many things do. What AM I so mad about? Besides the whole my-wife-just-died-and-that-experience-sucked part, let’s list out the specific things that just piss me off, in no particular order. They all bubble up to the top as The Worst occasionally. (I have lists and lists of sub-bullets that add to each point but I’m going to stick to the major mountains of pain, otherwise it will start to look like gratuitous, even wanton, complaining.) Continue reading Why I’m Angry →

Let’s see if I can pick up the pieces of this mess. Continue reading My Shaky Voice →