So I’m not angry any more. The furious rage that was burning inside me has calmed and been replaced by something less, uh, bitter. The new flavor of the month is sadness. I say “new” not because it wasn’t with me all along. It’s just bubbled up to #1 on the How It Hurts Now list.
I’m ready to move on. I’m tired of drowning in this crap. I want the sunshine and laughter to come back and wash away this heavy, syrupy yuck. I remember the light and fluffy days of happiness from before and I need to get back to those days, however they may develop in my new world. I’m ready to live my life again, sadly, without her. It’s time.
What does that mean exactly? How do I “move on”? It means start fixing the things that are broken, the things that are keeping me down. If something in life is causing pain or difficulty, you fix it, right? That’s what I intend to do – fix the things that I can fix.
Thus, I think it’s time to start packing up her things, giving away what I can, saving a few special things but otherwise clearing it all out. That monumental task is going to suck. It’s going to really, really, really suck. But, as Wendi suggested in response to my post Why I’m Angry, once it’s done I think I’ll feel better. All that stuff won’t be in my face, waiting to derail my happy train when it’s chugging ahead.
I also think it’s time to start thinking about fixin’ to get ready to maybe plan on sometime soon going on a date. A fun, open-the-car-door-for-her, butterflies-in-the-stomach, getting-to-know-you date. Yikes. How, I’m not sure. Who, I’m definitely not sure. Heck, I’ve been (happily) out of the game for 10 years and don’t even know where to start! But, frankly, it’d be nice to have someone to pay a little attention to. It’d make me happy.
Now, I can hear the muted whispers and mumbling already. I won’t put words in mouths but before anyone gets all wadded up, I’d ask that you think about why you think it’s not a good idea. Go ahead and take time to make a good argument in your head. Then ask yourself this one question “What do you think Maggie would want for me right now?”
I can answer that question with complete confidence (and so can you): To be happy. It’s all she ever wanted for me. It’s as simple as that. Dwelling on the past, mired in that which can’t be undone, swimming in my own harsh memories of what happened – all of these things are drowning me in misery. And all of these things aren’t me, aren’t who I am. Stuff like that doesn’t represent what WE used to be. WE met life head on. WE didn’t let crap get in the way of a good time or of our dreams. WE didn’t stop living just because we got served a bad hand. WE didn’t allow the tough times to define who we were.
I’m doing her a disservice by NOT moving on. And so it’s time – time to move on.
(But I’m scared.)
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.” John Wayne
For what it’s worth, I think you are absolutely right. Maggie would want you to be happy and to LIVE. You and you alone know when the time is right…
My thoughts and prayers and best wishes are continuously with you!
*HUGS*
Just stay in the saddle, son. You’ve been there for a long time. Love you …
I have been reading your blog for about 8 months now and I was truly disappointed to read this particular post. Your wife has been deceased for how many weeks and you are discussing starting to date again? And you say it would make Maggie happy? Well perhaps Maggie didn’t think you would want to be out there seeing other people less than 2 months after she left this world. Perhaps she thought you would wait for a respectful mourning period to pass before “moving on.”
In another of your posts you mention that all your friends were there because of Maggie (or something like that – I paraphrase). Well, now I can see why. Your narcissism is definitely coming through on this post. Congratulations.
Amy – you are an idiot.
In the immortal words of Stephanie from Full House…”How rude!”
At least she had the guts to sign her name ;).
Bailey is my name.
Amy
What is that ‘respectful’ mourning period? It is to each their own… one has to go through the mourning to really figure out when he/she is ready to move on. Its not for us who are flies on the wall to decide. So, please please think before you comment and pass your judgement
Amy – unwad your panties! Geez. What a complete moron! You must not have read his posts too closely for the last 8 months (or you don’t know what narcissism means). Who are you to judge when it is the right time for ANYONE to move on.
Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth (or type on your keyboard) and prove it.
Unbelievably insensitive and unnecessary post!
Amy: Now is as good a time as any. Chris is right – he can’t undo what’s been done. Going on a date is not disrespectful of anyoe or anything. At some point, he is going to have to move on. He is a young man who deserves to find someone to spend time with. It is obvious you didn’t know Maggie, because even if you knew her just a smidge, you’d realize that she would not be offended by this post. She would be relieved that her beloved is not completely weighted down with grief. And note that he doesn’t even know who he will ask out. He is opening himself up to the possibility, and I applaud him for having the courage to live his life.
Very well put
Amy-
I can’t believe the audacity you had when you wrote your post. You have no idea what Chris is going through and have no right to say what is acceptable for his life. I think Maggie will send someone for Chris to help make this time easier for him– because she would want that for him, and you should too.
Wow Amy!!! Mind your business!!! Chris and Maggie were beautiful, and now Chris will be radiiant in the memory and warm glow of what was before. Maggie loved Chris and he her…he’s ready for find a new love to share the love he received from Maggie.
Chris,
We all support you as you continue to move forward at YOUR pace! You deserve sunshine, laughter, happiness and love. We all know Maggie would want that for you.
(Wow, that took even less time than I thought it would.)
Amy, thanks for putting your opinion out there. It takes guts.
So, I Googled “respectful mourning period” and I got two answers (only two!). One was 40 days and 40 nights, a United Arab Emirate tradition. The other was 1 year and 1 day, a New Orleans tradition based in how long it takes a body to decompose in their above-ground tombs. Neither of which seem to apply here.
I also Googled “narcissism” because I wanted to understand exactly what you meant. According to Dictionary.com narcissism means:
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2. Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
And the following are synonyms: self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism.
You have referenced what you believe Maggie’s wishes would be. Putting thoughts into a deceased person’s head is fraught with failure, no matter how well you were acquainted with them. That which makes a person who they are is their uniqueness in thought which is singularly theirs and can’t be predicted. Instead, the mind plays tricks by substituting what you would want and labeling it what you think they would want. Sadly, even those with the best of intents to do Maggie’s posthumous wishes end up directing from their own self-borne desires all the while labeling it “What Maggie would want.”
I’d be curious to learn why my decision to think about fixing to get ready to maybe start dating has scared you so badly.
Problem with you dating at this time is you will bore your date with you conversation about how your wife died, really depressing. I wish you luck, because you will need it.
True that might be a possibility for some folks. Fortunately, I’m a conversationally adept enough to realize that no girl wants to sit through my blathering on about my late wife. I’ll save that for my close friends and my shrink.
I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine. Besides, there’s so much more to talk about.
Wow, that was harsh, Anonymous!!!
A dear friend of mine died from breast cancer last year. Her widower started dating someone serious within 6 months. I won’t lie – it was very difficult for us to see him with his new love. He is still dating her and very happy. But I don’t think he intended for new love to replace old love. Once we got used to the idea (and I did that by knowing that he wanted another wonderful relationship as the one he was lucky to have once, and getting to know his new love), it was easier. I think it is very different for family and friends than it is for the lonely partner. Remember, he has been grieving a lot longer than two months as Maggie’s journey evolved.
I tried to set up another friend with a man who lost his wife – over a year ago. He wore his wedding ring to their blind date – that was difficult for her because it was clear from that and other signals that he was still deeply grieving. She would love to see him again but only when he is ready.
I guess all hopes for a date with Amy are shot.
When my brother was sick and dealing with the possibility of dying young, the one thing that scared him the most was that, with his passing his loved ones wouldn’t know how to move on. He agonized over the idea that we would be so crippled with grief that we couldn’t enjoy life and the good times we had with him. You honor your Maggie by living life. Life, as you bitterly now know, is too precious to not engage in, and as fully as you can, however that may be.
A quote I like from Henry David Thoreau: “I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear.”
Good luck Chris!
I think that those of us who actually knew Maggie and cared for her support your decision Chris. It sounds like you would like some companionship – who wouldn’t? Maggie would want you to move on – she would just want you to acknowledge that she is prettier than whoever you are dating =-).
This reminds me of a funny story. Maggie and I were once talking about cheating (just one of our many edgy conversations we so enjoyed.) The topic of who I’d cheat on Maggie with came up. She said she would be much more angry with me if I cheated on her with a girl she perceived as less attractive than if it were with a girl who was much more attractive. In fact, she insisted that were I to do that, the girl better be smokin’ hot. Her argument was that, if I’m going to cheat, it better be with someone she considers worth all the trouble because then she could kinda understand. Go the other way and she was going to be ticked!
Yeah.. that sounds like Maggie logic.
Emily and I have always said that if either one of us were to cheat, it had better be with someone hot and famous to make it even remotley worthwhile! Too funny.
Chris, I applaud your decision and actively encourage you in this new adventure. Everyone is different and everyone has their own idea of when the time is right; obviously the time is right for YOU. As someone else pointed out, you have been greiving this loss for a lot longer than two months. For everything that you have suffered through, you deserve a shot at finding some comfort and happiness. And it’s not like the first girl you date is going to be a new wife; I’m sure you’ll take the time to just relax and have some fun and that is the best therapy there is.
Right…cheating is so not an option in any loving marriage, but you talk about it. Which is funny in and of itself. My husband has my permission with Kate Beckinsale and I have his with Andy Garcia. LOL!
I believe with all my heart that you are going to find a woman that will embrace the Maggie in you and love her along with you and all her friends. She is going to be beyond special…and interesting…and gentle and warm and everything you need her to be. Go for it Chris!!!
Something about this message brought tears. Thank you.
Chris,
What you are doing is perfectly fine. It takes fortitude to have gone where you and Maggie have gone. Included is to take reminders out of site so you can move on; courage.
Dating is also a good thing. May take time as you go through the roller coaster of emotions, but you don’t have to be alone. I don’t care what anyone else thinks; and if that is an option for you, do it. Remember, life is short; be happy.
You are correct; Maggie only wants you to be happy as you were her gift and vise versa. She only wanted you to shine the light in your soul; and that is what you have.
Go be happy!
Honestly, I have to say that my initial reaction was similar to Amy’s….but, then I thought that Chris has been “mourning” in some fashion since Maggie was diagnosed. Sure, they kept living life as best they could (and certainly with more zest than most who have been dealt their hand), but the fact remains that they both knew that they weren’t going to grow old together. So, he’s really had more than two months to adjust, grieve, mourn, etc.
Also, don’t know why, but I’ve noticed that men who’ve been happily married and lose their spouse are usually quicker to pursue other relationships.
So, all that to say…yeah, for *me* I don’t think *I* would be ready. But, I’m not Chris and he’s not me…that’s what makes the world go ’round.
And, while I’m at it….calling Amy an idiot, moron, etc., was totally unnecessary.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
First post – inspired by Amy!
Chris, your moral compass has been on public display for several years now, and your writing in this blog has taken it to a whole ‘nuther level that few dare to venture to. If your soul says it might be time to experience companionship, admiration, fellowship, heck, even conversation via a date, then go for it. Your compass has guided you down such a loving path – I’d trust it and defend its direction with ferocity.
Since some of us are in the mood to post their favorite quotes, whenever I’m feeling anxious about some big “life” decision, this is my favorite quote to call to mind: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” –Eleanor Roosevelt. You’ve been looking fear in the face daily since January 2007 so this dating thing will be a cinch. I wish you the best of luck!
WOW! Who are we to judge?!? I’m sure that just because Chris chooses to go on a date it doesn’t mean he’s mourning any less, loves Maggie any less or will ever forget about her! I think it’s amazing that he was even able & willing to put that out there for everyone to read. Give the guy a break! Keep moving on at your own pace, Chris. Only you can know when the time is right as you move into a new life. Maggie will always be a part of you! Godspeed!
No one here on earth is walking in YOUR shoes, mourning YOUR grief, going through YOUR process of healing, knowing every one of YOUR thoughts and YOUR feelings but – YOU.
It’s an honor that you share this much of YOU with the world. But most of all, I hope it helps YOU.
Go learn how to tie some fancy knots, dude. 🙂
Good!!!!!!!! Go out and meet a cutie and move-on! I’d like to see some writing on butterflies and dates.
After my uncle died and my aunt moved on rather quickly, my mom said to me: “It is often those who were the deepest in love, that are ready to find that love again.” I see here that Chris is a perfect example of that. You deserve to go out again. Is now a good time? Obviously, that’s not for me to say. But I think you’re smart enough to know when it’s right for you. Best wishes.
that makes soooo much sense to me. Chris doesn’t have to deal with lingering feelings of unworthiness. He KNOWS (everyone knows) how solid and true his love and care were. I imagine that that would be very freeing. Of course we’re all just speculating here Chris is the only one with his experience.
Chris accepts comments and puts everything out there so Amy’s reply is an opinion that is welcomed on this blog simply because comments are allowed. She is not an idiot. If Chris didn’t want hear such things he’d make his blog exclusive and require logins to read. OR he wouldn’t allow comments at all. C’mon. The guy knows people are going to say things he may not agree with. Not everyone is his #1 fan. This is my first time commenting. Personally, I found some posts through months that rubbed me the wrong way, some resonated, others I didn’t finish reading, others I thought geeeez are you for real!? So many people leave these saccharin comments that make me want to hurl over and over. Believe me, many of you sound like the shallowest folks out there that needed this blog to enlighten you? Really? Because nothing in life thus far ever has?!!!!! Where are you living? In a teflon hole in the ground? It’s public and comments allowed so call Amy an idiot, call me one too, but I’m able to comment and my opinion is: So long as we are allowed to comment on posts, no opinion is right or wrong. Geez have you learned nothing from this blog? Bottom line, there is just grey at best! I actually disagree with Amy but she is no idiot. I do think it’s time to move on.
Well, you called that one right…you too!
One more thing:
Blogs are pure cyber narcissism. It’s true. IN MY OPINION!
What a lonely life you must live.
I pity you.
Heh, I tend to agree somewhat. This blog started as simply a communication tool. You can see that from the early posts. We are so blessed to have so many caring friends that when we first went into the hospital in January, 2007 I struggled with the telephones. From waking until the batteries dies, both of our phones were ringing non-stop. It was not unusual that I’d be talking with people on both hers and my phone AND have people on call waiting. At one point, we even unplugged the hospital phone, too. It was a nightmare right smack in the middle of the nightmare we were already try to get our head around. We were being crushed by the concern of a million friends. All I wanted was to take care of my wife and, instead, I was telling the same story over and over and over and over. One day I realized that we had to stop this nonsense so I took this domain I owned (thumpers-hole.net) and started making static web pages with the latest status update. Then I started directing everyone this direction. Every hour or so I’d update it and like magic, the phone calls slowed to a trickle. It was truly a sanity saver. Obviously, one day I added blogging software and it grew from there.
Until Maggie died, it was still a status update: how was Maggie doing because so, so, so many people wanted to know. Definitely NOT in the cyber narcissism category. Now, what the heck is it? I don’t know. Definitely more toward the cyber narcissism category, I suppose. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t have any more tails of horrid visits to MD Anderson, bad chemo days or dreamy dinners with my honey. Instead, I have the mental meanderings of little ol’ me, The Adventures of the Reluctant Writer. Cyber narcissism? Maybe. Would I had rather never stood on top of the soap box. You becha! I’d be just as happy as a clam, anonymously carrying on with my lovely wife, living out our days looking forward to children and side-by-side rocking chairs. But life didn’t quite work out that way. So here we are.
A couple of quick thoughts:
(1) I am 33 and have yet to find “the one” or “Mr Right” or whatever you want to call him. I can only hope that I find someone someday who loves me as deeply as Chris loves Maggie. And, if I do and, heaven forbid, die before he does I can honestly say that I would hope he would move on, find someone who loved him deeply to spend the remainder of his life with, and be happy and fulfilled.
(2) I don’t know how to post a link here, so you’ll all just have to google it, but MASLOW’s HIERARCHY places our social needs (friendship, intimacy) above our phsiological needs (food, water, oxygen) and states, if I understand it correctly, that if these social needs aren’t met then we just can’t thrive. We will be so weighted down with anxiety and depression that we cease to function. That’s why parents are encouraged to hold their sick and/or premature babies, why people are encouraged to hold the hand of and talk to people in comas, and why people with pets have been proven to live longer.
In other words: love, companionship, and intimacy are not luxuries they are necessities.
(I’m not sure any of that quite came out the way I intended, but hopefully you see the point…)
Actually, Maslow’s hierarchy places physiological needs (food/water/breathing) as the most important elements. They are the foundation. As one moves up the hierarchy the other needs become more important (such as safety and love/belonging). Maslow postulated that it was only after one’s physiological needs were met could other needs be met until one reached the top of the hierarchy (self-actualization) which few people ever realize in their lifetimes.
Thank you for explaining it better, Rose. I knew I didnt have it right…
I left the post unsubmitted while I pulled up a new “tab” and looked at the Maslow stuff again, and when I went back to the post I had accidentally submitted it somehow. I intended to reply and correct it, but my ride showed up and I had to leave.
Anyway, thanks again! That makes much more sense! lol
Chris, do what you feel is right for you and when you feel it is. Nothing wrong with thinking or going on a date now. I’d love to hear how all goes for you. There comes a time when you have to do something for yourself to get back that happiness, and you can also grieve at the same time.
Good luck!
Cleaning things out will be good for you to help you move on, but it will be difficult.
Dating will be the easier thing.
Go for it and live life to the fullest! You deserve it.
Chris, once again you have impressed me with your gracious attitude towards some rather negative comments. Just do what is right for you!
This blog is very much like a reality show. It does not surprise me that the comments are turning into slams and insults and comedy like you find on reality shows. Only lonely people watch reality shows and read these blogs when they have never met Chris and Maggie and are not part of their inner cirlce of friends and family. Am I lonely? I didn’t think so but I must be if I am on here feeling the urge to join in on this circus. I know I will hate myself in the morning. As for the whole anonymous thing that was brought up a few weeks ago. Names or no names I don’t don’t know any of you, first name, last name, initials, doesn’t matter you are all anonymous whether you put anonymous or not. I left my full name to give my post credit but I would appreciate that those die hard commenters not try and “find” me to flame me online. I don’t belong here. I came upon this blog through a series of searches on cancer and Austin specialists. It’s turned into a weird scene. I don’t even pretend to have handle on who Chris is and who Maggie was. What is on here is a small part of their lives and who they are despite how graphic and emotional Chris’ writing is. You write very well. But I am turning off my computer every night and feeling rather blah and it’s the comments. Note to self: If I ever check in again, I’m not reading the comments.
I read this blog because my mom is battling Stage IV colon cancer. She has had some of the same treatments/symptons, ex. as Maggie. I continue to read to see how Chris is coping.
Not that I should have to explain myself, but I am FAR from lonely.
wow you really stirred up a hornets nest this time, haha! i think its perfectly normal to want to date again. what amy and some others may not understand is: you are probably not looking to replace maggie, just looking to get your mind and heart out of the dumps for a while, is that so bad???? nobody likes to be left completely alone! – except maybe grizzly adams and i know for a fact that you aint him! i can only imagine how lonely and empty your house must feel…and how much of that should one have to endure to be able to quantify it as “enough” of a greiving period? i say get out there and at least try to have some fun, i know its gonna be tough probably, but you cant suffer forever, or you will implode. and you also cant please everyone, like amy, so please yourself first, buddy. and thanks for keeping it real!
Thanks, John! I appreciate your support for Chris as he starts to make the decisions that will continue his life’s story with Maggie as a beautiful, beautiful chapter.
There’s no way anyone who has read your blog could not see your deep love for Maggie and the amazing and beautiful relationship you both shared. Dating again does not diminish her memory or your love for her in the least. (narcissistic? seriously, have people been reading the same blog??) “Moving on” opens the possibility for a new beginning- and if you’re ready, whether anyone else approves or would do the same thing or not doesn’t matter at all. Since my last post during one of those contentious comment fests, I have shared some of the same feelings about the comments as Mr. Stevens. But it’s part of having comments in a public forum- obviously you can handle it (and with much more grace than most, too!) And respectfully, lonely people aren’t the only ones who follow this blog- among many others, there are also people like me who have a significant other dying of cancer who might find some comfort in reading that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it’s not the same light or the same time for everyone, but reading that someone else my age can get through this scary, terrible, heartbreaking thing doesn’t make it easier, but it does offer hope. Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts with such honesty and eloquence, and may you continue to find happiness in any and every way possible!!!
Yeah, Chris is “so” narcissistic that he drove “around town” on his motorcycle with new tires around his waist. It just doesn’t get anymore attractive than that, right?! =O)
I agree with Phase I Longhorn, if people had been reading this blog carefully, they would realize how selfless Chris has been through out all of this. His love for Maggie never faultered when she needed him most. If Chris feels he is ready to move on…then so be it.
Chris, I’m sure many will agree, you deserve to be a little (or a lot) selfish. Take care of yourself and do what makes YOU happy. Luckily, there is no set timeline or set of rules that need to be followed (unless you belong to one of the religions or cultures Chris mentioned above). Many happy wishes, and I’ll leave you with my favorite quote: “Find what you love, and love what you find.” -Unknown
I second this!!!
Amy,
It is obvious from you comment that you have not had the experience of watching the love of your life die for 2 years of cancer. Unfortunately I share this experience with Chris. My husband physically died on May 2nd of this year but we mourned the loss of our future together raising our 2 children for 2 years. You obviously don’t know what it’s like to attend over 100 chemos, dr’s appointments and C.T. scans. You haven’t watched the look on the face of a 39 year old in the prime of his as he’s told by his surgeon he’s inoperable and going to die. My experience has been pure hell and torture for the last 2 years. I had a newborn baby in my arms at the hospital and was told by a nurse that it was sad that I had him. Amy,you can’t even begin to imagine the psychological trauma that Chris and I have gone through. I too would love to be asked on a date. It wasn’t like our spouses died in a sudden accident. Parts of them died 2 years ago. Enough is enough of the sadness. Brad wanted me to be happy and wanted me to move on. Thanks, Fiona.
You’re right, I don’t have that experience. Instead, I have had the experience of a doctor telling me I had 2 years to live…2 years in which to see only 2 Christmases, 2 birthdays, 2 Halloweens, etc. that my children experience. Actually, I do know what it’s like to have poison injected into my veins. Actually, I do know what it’s like to have CT scans and pray that tumors are shrinking and that I will win this battle. It is obvious from your comments that you haven’t had my experience. So why don’t you tell me more about “pure torture” and re-think your “you can’t even begin to imagine the psychological trauma.”
I didn’t say that Chris should never date, ever. I just personally believe 2 months is a bit fast. I know people that wait longer to buy puppies to replace their deceased pets.
Wow…Amy, I so sorry that you are afraid of being replaced by your husband and children and are thus sharing/projecting her fear on this blog. I truly feel for you. I suppose would feel the same way as a woman and mother. But, Chris and Maggie did not have children and Chris is male. It’s different for him. Hang in there Amy! I hope you beat the cancer, but don’t judge Chris. He’s been to hell and back. Don’t begrudge him the joy of finding a beautiful new life and enjoying the here and now. He’s precious to us and to Maggie. We want him to find happiness again. He deserves it!!!
Chris,
I just remembered something Brad said to me that you might find helpful. Brad said “this cancer is winning against me, but it doesn’t have to win against you, everyday that you are sad the tumour is still winning, don’t let it win”. Fiona
Wow, thank you for sharing this, Fiona. What a kind, insightful man your husband was. What a gentle and beautiful way for him to give you permission to live. Thank you for sharing that with me. It sounds exactly like something my sweet Maggie would say to me. Thank you.
Thank you Fiona, well put. Brad is right … very insightful.
Thank you, Fiona!
HiChris,
We finally got around to taking our kids to see “Up” today. I thought about you frequently throughout the movie. (shocker)
I wonder how you would feel about the movie if you had seen it today (instead of 2 months ago).
Transition = Transformation
Go with the flow, friend.
God Bless you Big!
Keep stirring the pot Chris. Enjoy every sunrise and sunset, and perhaps one day you will have someone special to share it with. You deserve it!!!
Cheers, Tony
p.s. SOCal has some great ones..hint, hint
Life Goes On
If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower
Nor inscribe a stone
Nor when I am gone
Speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves
That I have known
Weep if you must
Parting is hell
But life goes on
So …. sing as well
Joyce Grenfell
1910-1979
Amy obviously didn’t know our Maggie *at all*. Probably never even met her. Most of us would agree Maggie was not your typical woman, she was something extraordinarily special. It’s not as if Maggie left this world completely unexpected. It was a very long good-bye. And don’t you think that probably Maggie and Chris discussed this particular topic? My guess is that they probably did. We that knew Maggie NEVER EVER questioned Chris’ love and respect for her (none of us did). I’ve never felt and seen love move between two people like that before … it was palpable. The way they always looked at each other and held hands, the way Chris ALWAYS made sure that Maggie was doing OK and if she needed anything. “Amy/Anonymous” – you never saw him sit with her while she got chemo – many of us did. You just have no idea how much of Chris gave of himself to her.
If any of us could ever be so lucky to have that kind of love in our life. I held Maggie’s hands about five hours before she left us and told her that we would look after Chris. Though it was very difficult for her to speak – she did say that this was her greatest concern, she wanted him to be okay. Along with ‘okay’ – of course, comes Happiness. She wanted him to be happy. Always did. Those of us who know Chris know he’s moved through so much pain and grief; it’s been so heart-wrenching. Who’s to say that there has to be some time table on this. Chris has gone through so much hell, at a pace that works for his healing. Another person may take months or years to deal with everything that Chris has assimilated thus far.
Chris,
I would like u to know in reading ur blog, that i would give you kudos…Maggie taught you that you shouldno let the cancer win and that life is for the living, so live on!!!If u feel u r ready, then it is time. It is not for anyone else to judge when it should be time for u to move on or with whom..that is fo u to decide. If they do, who are
they to judge. Go with your heart. You have suffered enough and are now entitled to some happiness. Maggie would want that and i believe that she is watching over you as ur angel guiding ur way and making sure u r well. LIVE ON CHRIS!! I am so happy you have taken this step.
Hi Chris… what incredible timing of your post. Just this evening I accepted my first real invitation to the D word – a date. He wants to take me to dinner and then take in the sunset at the beach. Sounded nice so I accepted.
Once I accepted I immediately had several thoughts flashing through my head:
– maybe I should tell him I don’t want anything serious I am not ready for that yet
– but would that put a damper on our time together what if it really clicks and we enjoy spending time together
– what are others going to think???? Are they going to think I am doing this too soon and AM I DOING THIS TOO SOON???? I don’t even know that answer
– why is the sky blue and when is the last time I had an oil change on the car?
Okay, well the last one is random but the other thoughts came flooding in as soon as I accepted. Then I read your post of “Moving On”.
Hmmmm can I just thank you now for doing that; for helping me see that I too am tired of being sad and know that my Paul would want me to be happy too. Not focusing on what I have lost but living again and being happy.
I recently watched the movie P.S. I Love You (warning this is a movie about a spouse grieving the loss of her husband to cancer) and he left her a year’s worth of letters upon his death. The last letter to her had a line in there that I hold on to and I will never forget:
“You were my whole life, but you need to realize I was just a chapter in yours and you need to move on.”
Chris- here’s to moving on together as best we can. We may start and stop and then start again but we will find happiness somewhere in this sadness; I just know it.
Wendy
Congrats on your date, Wendy. It sounds exciting and scary at the same time. And I agree. We will find happiness again. I’m positive. One thing is clear – we are beginning this next chapter with the capacity to love deeply. That’s a good thing in my book. Congrats again. Let me know how it goes.
I’m curious, did he know you with Paul or did you meet him after? Does he know what you’ve been through? You don’t have to answer but I’m asking because I worry about these type of things myself.
Oh, and maybe don’t think so much about the future on your first date. 😉 That puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the right here, right now part of enjoying yourself.
I believe you have my email address from when I signed on to leave comments. If you email me, I promise to respond.
I am sure everyone here is great, just don’t know if inquiring minds would want to know my deal while they are here for you!
Wendy
Southern California
Chris – I have only 2 words to say “DO YOU” and “BE HAPPY”
OK that was 4 but you get the idea.
I wish I could remember where I read this, but a respected institution did a study on people who’d lost a spouse, and I was surprised to learn that those who were happiest in their relationships with their deceased spouses were the first to get back into the dating scene again. The scientists surmised that they were the ones who best understood the positive impact love brought to their lives, and felt the need to fill that void. Those with unhappy relationships never knew what they’d been missing, so to speak, and so were not as eager to fill the void.
The results surprised me initially, but after thinking about it, it makes sense…just as it makes sense for you to do what feels right. Best of luck on the next chapter of your life, Chris.
Personally, I love how you phrased it “time to start thinking about fixin’ to get ready to maybe plan on sometime soon going on a date.” LOL There is nothing there about signing up to Match.com, or tolling the local watering hole for some random chick. No, this (sounds to me) is you coming to terms with the fact that the IDEA of dating is no longer out of the question. This is exactly how I would have said it if I were just starting to formulate an idea. Not a solid, concrete, defined plan, but more of the spark of an idea just starting to take form, that will manifest in its time. HAHAHA, that just really cracked me up.
Thanks for sharing this, and when it does manifest, you have my total support!