So I’m not angry any more. The furious rage that was burning inside me has calmed and been replaced by something less, uh, bitter. The new flavor of the month is sadness. I say “new” not because it wasn’t with me all along. It’s just bubbled up to #1 on the How It Hurts Now list.
I’m ready to move on. I’m tired of drowning in this crap. I want the sunshine and laughter to come back and wash away this heavy, syrupy yuck. I remember the light and fluffy days of happiness from before and I need to get back to those days, however they may develop in my new world. I’m ready to live my life again, sadly, without her. It’s time.
What does that mean exactly? How do I “move on”? It means start fixing the things that are broken, the things that are keeping me down. If something in life is causing pain or difficulty, you fix it, right? That’s what I intend to do – fix the things that I can fix.
Thus, I think it’s time to start packing up her things, giving away what I can, saving a few special things but otherwise clearing it all out. That monumental task is going to suck. It’s going to really, really, really suck. But, as Wendi suggested in response to my post Why I’m Angry, once it’s done I think I’ll feel better. All that stuff won’t be in my face, waiting to derail my happy train when it’s chugging ahead.
I also think it’s time to start thinking about fixin’ to get ready to maybe plan on sometime soon going on a date. A fun, open-the-car-door-for-her, butterflies-in-the-stomach, getting-to-know-you date. Yikes. How, I’m not sure. Who, I’m definitely not sure. Heck, I’ve been (happily) out of the game for 10 years and don’t even know where to start! But, frankly, it’d be nice to have someone to pay a little attention to. It’d make me happy.
Now, I can hear the muted whispers and mumbling already. I won’t put words in mouths but before anyone gets all wadded up, I’d ask that you think about why you think it’s not a good idea. Go ahead and take time to make a good argument in your head. Then ask yourself this one question “What do you think Maggie would want for me right now?”
I can answer that question with complete confidence (and so can you): To be happy. It’s all she ever wanted for me. It’s as simple as that. Dwelling on the past, mired in that which can’t be undone, swimming in my own harsh memories of what happened – all of these things are drowning me in misery. And all of these things aren’t me, aren’t who I am. Stuff like that doesn’t represent what WE used to be. WE met life head on. WE didn’t let crap get in the way of a good time or of our dreams. WE didn’t stop living just because we got served a bad hand. WE didn’t allow the tough times to define who we were.
I’m doing her a disservice by NOT moving on. And so it’s time – time to move on.
(But I’m scared.)
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.” John Wayne