“I can’t believe this is how it’s gonna be,” she said. It was one of the last few things she said to me. I still can’t believe it either. What a tragic, premature end to a life with such enormous potential. It’s just so, so difficult for me to get my head around. As I reflect on that moment, scratching willingly on still-fresh wounds, I can’t help but wonder how she felt and what she was thinking. We were so open with our feelings and communicated so effortlessly throughout our relationship. Yet, at a time when the emotional volume was turned up much, much louder than ever before, we had so little ability to share. It breaks my heart. Still.
I’ve played out that scene over and over. Each rewind is punishing, yes, but it’s not a memory I shall give up easily. It’s still very white hot with emotion and likely a vein of deep meaning that I’ll mine and smelt for years to come. It’s so, so hard to let go. It’s even harder to let go when the brain just doesn’t want to believe it. I just don’t want to believe.
Suppers alone force me to believe. Missing this evening was her snickering at me for cooking too much food. “You can’t eat all that,” she’d say to me. Well I showed her tonight because I did! So there.
Days spent alone force me to believe, too. The calendar we shared on Google would magically fill up. Weekends and weeknights overflowed with event after event, many times overlapping at locations across town. Or maybe I’m just overly sensitive to the deafening silence around the house and it just seemed like we were always doing something. Even the simple days and nights we spent together were just so pleasant and filled with sharing that cooking supper and watching TV was an event. An event made just for two (and puppies.)
Used to be that items would magically move around the house or new things would appear. Now, the only things that move are things I touch or are just about dog-nose height.
On the bright side, the laundry load has been cut in half. Oh, I’d happily fold a lifetime of laundry if it would change anything.
A good friend commented a week or so ago that since she wasn’t typically around Maggie all the time that it seems like Maggie’s just away on vacation. The absence isn’t so loud for her. For me, it’s deafening. The only thing that seems to quiet the noise is being around people. It’s odd but true. Maybe it’s just a distraction. Bring on the social engagements.
Complicating social matters further, I find I’m far, far out of sync with the rest of our married-with-children friends. If I’m going to reboot Chris, it’s probably going to be with some never-knew-Maggie friends. That’s tough to think about but I suspect it will play out to be true. Of course, they won’t be a replacement for my already great friends but merely an addition. So, I suspect I’ve got a lot of finding-new-friends to do.
On a related note, Miss E and I have cordially parted ways for reasons unrelated to Maggie. I’m very pleased to have met her and appreciate the opportunity she gave me to carefully dip my toe into the dating waters. I’m especially pleased that Miss E was so forthright, understanding and patient with all things Maggie. It was a great first tiny step. BTW, she finally read part of this blog but only the story about how we met. She thought it was quite funny. I suspect that’s as far into this rabbit hole she’ll ever go. But I’ve been wrong before….
Miss E will also be the last person of interest I’ll write about here. The whole who-I’m-dating-and-how-it’s-going topic is just too fraught with landmines and nuclear explosions to bring up again. I think I’m lucky to be able to close this chapter out gracefully. Let’s end that on a good note.
I’ve been quite lax with the postings lately. I’m not one to apologize for lack of posts but, frankly, my days have been quite uneventful. I’m sticking with the workout routine. I haven’t been going out much. Blah, blah and more blah. I am trying to find some outlets for my social needs but as of right now I’m living a very boring, drab life. And I really don’t think multiple posts about my reflections of how sad I am to not have Maggie around would be very interesting.