Did you ever stop to consider how many days you actually have with those you care about? Maggie and I met on June 14, 1999. She died May 4, 2009. 3,612 days. That’s not very many, really. Way too few, in my humble opinion but hey, fate didn’t ask me. Neither did The Cancer. But it sure makes it clear to me how precious each day really is. Even if she was to have lived until she was 80 we’d have had a measly 22,000 days together. Not many, really. Suddenly, any reason I had for not spending every momment with Maggie is measured against a much higher standard.
Still, with honest reflection, the choices I made back then stand true, even today. They have to. I have to be careful, very careful, not to paint an unfair, even romantically tragic, picture of our struggles such that I question or doubt what actions I took. (Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?) Trusting that, back then, I made the best decision for the circumstance is essential. The confidence borne out of the belief in myself to make the best decision in the moment gives me the strength to now stand in faith and believe that yes, every moment I chose not to be with her was the right thing to do at the time (even though I can recall times when it seems I could have chosen otherwise – I trust it was the right thing to do even though I can’t quite nail it all down now.) And to pick ruthlessly at any historical minutia is nothing but self-inflicted torture.
3,612 days, 850 of which we spent dealing with The Cancer. That’s nearly one fourth of our time together. It seems like it went by so quickly now. It’s hard not to pick at the minutia.
Seems, though, that after the cancer and all the doctor visits that you took her to and chemo treatments and long car rides to MD Anderson that you got to spend a lot of time with her! Lots of precious time.
I know I cherish the time her and I spent together at chemo treatments that I took her to. we would just sit and chat or I would get up and get her something to drink or help her to the bathroom. Even watching her nap in the chair during treatment cuddled up with a blanket or two was special to me. I mostly cherish the year I got to live with you guys. Maggie and I did so much just the two (or three) of us that it is something I will never forget.
You said something on this blog one time that I’ll never forget.. you wrote, ” I’d rather live ten fairytale years followed by 50 years of happy reflection than 100 years drowning in mediocrity.” Don’t forget that.
It’s so perfect for you to remind me of that. Thank you!
Anytime. 🙂
Georgia
Chris, This is Mark.. I spoke with you last in August. Calling to speak with Maggie when you told me the news. Part of my reason for calling then was due to beginning a course in the MBA program that I’ll graduate tomorrow, and the instructor informed us that he would only teach the first month before going in for his second round of surgery for stage 4 colon cancer. I immediately thought of Maggie. I wanted to touch base with you guys before I would refer him and his family to your website- since I recalled Maggie telling me that one of the valuable features of this site would be to help people going through the experience. After speaking with you that day, I did not refer them. Last week, the instructor began saying goodbye to his students as he’s done all the fighting he can do. I was just telling a friend about Maggie this evening, who was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I came to check your website again. I noticed in this section that you said you met Maggie on 14JUNE1999.. I don’t mean any harm, but I think you may have met her a little earlier than that. I think I remember meeting you for the first time over memorial day weekend when I came back to Austin from flight school to visit friends and I went by Maggie’s to say hello. I remember going tubing down the Guadalupe with Maggie and a few of her friends, as a friend,that weekend. I remember that when I met you, I beleive that weekend (briefly introducing ourselves and shaking hands) I gave up on any hope of re-kindling a romantic flame with her. You seemed like a great guy, and I could tell she was in love with you.. I could be wrong, but I swear it was that memorial day weekend of ’99. I met Maggie in December of ’98, right after graduating U.T. She was working at IBM, volunteering at a shelter for children, and had that lucky dog “Gatspy” from the pound. She’s the reasons I read “The Great Gatspy.” She was a beautiful person, and if there is a heaven – I’m sure she’s there.