Both our 6th wedding anniversary and the 10th month anniversary of her Angel Day have passed by. You bet I noticed but I tried to look sideways at them instead of directly so they’d only hit me with glancing blows. Any occasion can be turned into an event but I’ve spent the last number of months turning occasions into non-events, those days included.
I find as time crawls toward the one year anniversary of her Angel Day I’m drifting back frequently to what was happening back then. “A year ago we were doing this” or “today is the day we found out this.” It’s a tough conversation to have with yourself. Really, it’s just an odd place to be, mentally.
I look back a year ago and remember what we were doing and thinking, yet, from my vantage point today I can see what (and when!) It is going to happen and the futility of many of our actions. It’s kind of like hanging out on the Titanic a few weeks before it sinks. It’s a mix of happiness (because I remember our time together,) sadness (because I remember how hard it was,) and a thick layer of just plain sick (because I know how quickly the end was coming.) As I’ve said before, it’s so hard not to second guess myself about so much, like why didn’t I spend more time with her. But I work not to do that. Talk about futile.
Last night I built a nice fire in the fire pit outside. Happy and fun as fire is, I just kept being drawn back to the day Hospice came to bring in the oxygen. And the days that followed where each night we’d build a fire and hang out with friends. Only a few days left, really, then. The futile trips to the acupuncturist, the faith healers, our own faith …..
The better part of one year has passed since It happened and I can still barely keep my head up sometimes.
4 thoughts on “Important Days Pass”
I keep many little reminders and pictures of Maggie around me so I can always think about her… not that I need anything to make me think of Maggie because it just comes naturally. And I love that! But I was blindsided by some of the pain, at work Friday afternoon, about the day Maggie became an Angel. I know what my experience and feelings were that day but it really hit me of what it was like for her. And how helpless I and everyone else was with the situation. We won’t know what it’s like until we all get to that moment on our own but it’s so hard not to wonder.
Don’t regret not spending more time with Maggie. With the exception of running errands and driving the kids around, I was with Brad 24 hours a day 7 days a week from the time of his diagnosis until he passed away 21 months later. I can tell you that my return from “cancerland” has been difficult I think in part to the fact that I was so entrenched in it. Even though I didn’t want to be away from him, I think I should have spent some time alone and away from my crushing responsibilities. Chris, you have nothing to regret. I’m in the midst of getting a huge team together for “The Underwear Affair” in Toronto. Here’s the info in case you or any other readers want to sponsor me. Click on the green button on the top right of the webpage. My name on the site is Fiona McCombe. Thanks.
Chris thank you for your blog .. I know it helps others as much as it helps you. My 47 yr old sister became an angel on 12/07/09, due to breast cancer, I was with her when she took her last breath. My father an angel in April of 1982, from lung cancer. I’m a 4x survivor of a rare cancer: Thymoma .. 20 years and four battles and I am still blessed with the gift of life.
Our journeys differ .. cancer unites us with an understanding like no other.
I will keep you and Maggie and your loved ones in my thoughts. Continue to live life fully for maggie and for you.
God bless you richly, Amy