Both our 6th wedding anniversary and the 10th month anniversary of her Angel Day have passed by. You bet I noticed but I tried to look sideways at them instead of directly so they’d only hit me with glancing blows. Any occasion can be turned into an event but I’ve spent the last number of months turning occasions into non-events, those days included.
I find as time crawls toward the one year anniversary of her Angel Day I’m drifting back frequently to what was happening back then. “A year ago we were doing this” or “today is the day we found out this.” It’s a tough conversation to have with yourself. Really, it’s just an odd place to be, mentally.
I look back a year ago and remember what we were doing and thinking, yet, from my vantage point today I can see what (and when!) It is going to happen and the futility of many of our actions. It’s kind of like hanging out on the Titanic a few weeks before it sinks. It’s a mix of happiness (because I remember our time together,) sadness (because I remember how hard it was,) and a thick layer of just plain sick (because I know how quickly the end was coming.) As I’ve said before, it’s so hard not to second guess myself about so much, like why didn’t I spend more time with her. But I work not to do that. Talk about futile.
Last night I built a nice fire in the fire pit outside. Happy and fun as fire is, I just kept being drawn back to the day Hospice came to bring in the oxygen. And the days that followed where each night we’d build a fire and hang out with friends. Only a few days left, really, then. The futile trips to the acupuncturist, the faith healers, our own faith …..
The better part of one year has passed since It happened and I can still barely keep my head up sometimes.