Going back and reading last year’s blog posts has been an amazing part of this month. Now, I don’t mean amazing “great” as in “our vacation to Disney World was amazing.” I mean more amazing like “Wow, watching the twin towers fall on TV was amazing.” Every day it’s like a spiritual cleansing (and an eye bath.) And it’s tough. But it’s necessary. I feel like without the homage, I’m doing a disservice, like I’m forgetting her. Truth is I am. It’s been just nearly a year since I’ve seen her smile. It’s been longer than that since I’ve seen her walk, TRULY walk the floor (and oh how I loved to watch her walk.) I could go on and on. There’re so many, many things about her that I haven’t seen in way longer than a year (like how she danced, or how she’d run around excitedly or how she’d talk with her hands or how her hair framed her face….) Many, many, many things. I miss them all. Or at least all the ones I remember.
Just three days ago and just for a moment, I forgot she was gone. Something unusual had happened (I wish I could remember what it was!), but when it was done the first thing I thought was “I gotta call Maggie.” It was so natural and so immediate. But now I’m used to what comes next. I’m used to the momentary confusion followed by the sick feeling. The guilt still catches me off guard. Guilt? Yes, guilt. It typically goes like this: quick smile → confusion → sick feeling → deflation → sadness → guilt → despair. (Anger sometimes flies through there but it’s usually quick and without consequence. Maybe for others it’s different but I’m just not really an angry person. ) The guilt, I’ve figured, is from “How the hell could you:
a) Forget she’s not around (did you forget about her so soon?),
b) Allow yourself to be happy (did you forget what happened to her?)”
Sick, stupid shit. Welcome to Grief, T+354 days.
Lots of people have asked what I’ve been doing. Well, I’ve overcommitted myself with a few software development contracts. I’m working with some of the best of the best I know yet not all my cylinders are firing. Kind of embarrassing. But I’m making do. I’m also working (in my spare time) on a couple of startup ideas (as always) and trying to get my music kick started again. It’s been a long, long, long time since I’ve been out playing with a band. That will change soon. That’s something I miss dearly and it’s something that’s near to my heart – joy that will be infused into this healing process.
Otherwise, it’s a little-by-little process and I’m nearly one year down the path. But I feel like I’m standing taller and stronger every day.