Today has been miserably difficult. There’s no particular reason why, I suppose. But, damn, I don’t have the words to describe the deep sorrow that has pressed on my heart all day. I certainly don’t actively look for things that remind me of her yet they light up like flares all around me. Tonight, by myself, I watched the old movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks. It was just full of references to Maggie and our relationship. No kidding. The last half of the movie, the part where he came back to his wife who had moved on assuming he was dead after the crash was just miserable. I don’t remember it being this sad the last time I watched it. I suppose being upstairs in the TV room again, OUR TV room without her didn’t help. The puppies are good company but my hand sure was cold and her side of the couch sure was empty. I remember all too clearly our last meal and TV night up there. (We had spaghetti, just like I ate tonight.) All these lasts and firsts are just stabbing me deeply with slow blades.
Today, for some reason, my brain keeps replaying our last few hours together. The last touches. The last words. The looks and kisses. Yes, I realize I haven’t written about it yet and I will eventually. Suffice to say it was absolutely heart wrenching. Having it play on mental loop hasn’t been very conducive to, well, anything.
Thank you for all the confirmations about the book idea. As I was certain, there doesn’t appear to be any doubt in your mind. Of course, there’s a lot of hard work that separates dreams of a grand plan and admiring a great result. A little luck comes in handy, too. I did get feedback from one publisher who stated that the blog, while a great story, is too sad to be sold as a book. While I’m not discouraged, it’s a signal that this will not be as simple as taking what’s written and sticking some cardboard covers around it. There’s some real work to be done here not to mention effort to find an editor and/or publisher that sees the potential.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep my feet moving. Anyone got anything exciting going on Friday night? I’m available.