We’re coming up on dark days filled with emotional echos. I try not to reflect but it’s difficult. My idle brain quickly skips back a year, back to the deeply emotional and traumatic daily experiences that were overwhelming our lives. I’m so thankful for the blog because it helps me remember those poignant and painful times. I’m especially thankful for the comments so many people left. Oddly enough, my posts don’t usually hit me nearly as hard as the comments do.
One of the many, many things I miss about Maggie is her wonderful optimism. No matter what the situation she’d have some positive perspective to throw out about it that would invariably transform an Oh Crap! situation into a Hey, This Isn’t So Bad. Never cliché optimism, she offered intelligent reframing or maybe you could call it enlightenment. It was magical the way she colored my world better and brighter. I would give everything I own to have just one conversation with her right now about where I’m at and how I’m doing. I could sure use her guidance, if you can call it that.* Just to be there for me right now as we approach the anniversary of… last year.
* She always did have “her” opinion of the way things should be. Amazingly enough, she was frequently quite right.
As long as I stay busy, it’s fairly easy for me to not think about what was going on last year. That’s great. Just a few months ago I couldn’t get such things out of my mind. Now, the urgency of those memories is less present. Oddly, I feel guilty for not being so encumbered by the past, like my lack of melancholy is a dishonor to her. Once again my efforts to be happy are tainted with guilt and shame. But I know that it’s just silly mind games; that Maggie would never want for me to be bound to any year-long ritual of sadness.
Dr. Bob’s trump card he throws at me when I head this way is “How do you think Maggie would be coping right now if the situation were reversed?” Yes, it’s an impossible question but it’s interesting. I know her well enough to make guesses and my guesses are always in the direction of fun, fun, fun and smiles, smiles, smiles. Cuz that’s her. Would she be moving on? Hells yes! Would she be out and playing? Hells yes! Would she be dating? Hells yes! Would she still cry a bunch? Hells yes! So I emulate her to the best of my ability (and to my best guess, of course.) WWMD? I don’t know. So I pretend.
The next month, no matter how I approach it, is going to be difficult. Now is the time for friends to rally.
This is the last big push. I hope.