Going back and reading last year’s blog posts has been an amazing part of this month. Now, I don’t mean amazing “great” as in “our vacation to Disney World was amazing.” I mean more amazing like “Wow, watching the twin towers fall on TV was amazing.” Every day it’s like a spiritual cleansing (and an eye bath.) And it’s tough. But it’s necessary. I feel like without the homage, I’m doing a disservice, like I’m forgetting her. Truth is I am. It’s been just nearly a year since I’ve seen her smile. It’s been longer than that since I’ve seen her walk, TRULY walk the floor (and oh how I loved to watch her walk.) I could go on and on. There’re so many, many things about her that I haven’t seen in way longer than a year (like how she danced, or how she’d run around excitedly or how she’d talk with her hands or how her hair framed her face….) Many, many, many things. I miss them all. Or at least all the ones I remember.
Just three days ago and just for a moment, I forgot she was gone. Something unusual had happened (I wish I could remember what it was!), but when it was done the first thing I thought was “I gotta call Maggie.” It was so natural and so immediate. But now I’m used to what comes next. I’m used to the momentary confusion followed by the sick feeling. The guilt still catches me off guard. Guilt? Yes, guilt. It typically goes like this: quick smile → confusion → sick feeling → deflation → sadness → guilt → despair. (Anger sometimes flies through there but it’s usually quick and without consequence. Maybe for others it’s different but I’m just not really an angry person. ) The guilt, I’ve figured, is from “How the hell could you:
a) Forget she’s not around (did you forget about her so soon?),
b) Allow yourself to be happy (did you forget what happened to her?)”
Sick, stupid shit. Welcome to Grief, T+354 days.
Lots of people have asked what I’ve been doing. Well, I’ve overcommitted myself with a few software development contracts. I’m working with some of the best of the best I know yet not all my cylinders are firing. Kind of embarrassing. But I’m making do. I’m also working (in my spare time) on a couple of startup ideas (as always) and trying to get my music kick started again. It’s been a long, long, long time since I’ve been out playing with a band. That will change soon. That’s something I miss dearly and it’s something that’s near to my heart – joy that will be infused into this healing process.
Otherwise, it’s a little-by-little process and I’m nearly one year down the path. But I feel like I’m standing taller and stronger every day.
Yes, you are standing taller and stronger than I’ve ever known you to be. If my broken arm may take a year to completely heal (as my doc predicts), how much longer than that must a broken heart need?
Chris, I’ve actually been going back and reading the blogs too. Kinda in the same it’s still unbelievable, I need to remember, I need to so I may humble myself, I need to pay homage to you both and what y’all went through area. I wish we could take your guilt away because I know Maggie would never want you to feel guilty. And I bet she’s giggling and jumping for joy at how you are Living and doing Maggie things vicariously through yourself. But I know guilt and grief 101 is to allow yourself to feel it, acknowledge the “ouch, yup that still is a gut puncher” and then move on to the next emotion. Try not to worry so much about what you can and can’t remember as vividly as you’d like, the memories are there and clear, it’s just that when we try to remember it’s foggy. The memories will come when you need them to.
It was great to actually get to hang out with you camping this past weekend…although it was bitter sweet not having Mags there along with you. Our annual camping trips hold such fond memories of her. I too sometimes forget that she is not here anymore until I am unjustly reminded. Just yesterday I had a friend at work who is going through a divorce ask me if I knew of any good divorce lawyers. My initial response was, “Sure do, the best.” That was a very sad moment for me. I could picture the conversation I would have with her about this case. No doubt in my mind she would suck the husband dry for every penny he had due to the fact he cheated on his wife. I wanted so much to pick up the phone and call her. We have her painting hung in our living room. I can not tell you how many compliments we have gotten on it from the short time it’s been up. I like that it reminds me of her, so hard to grasp that it’s been almost a year.
Sign me up for the bass player slot!