Level Check

Two hours and fifteen minutes.  No biggie, I thought.  I’ll just read one post while I’m cooking supper.  Two hours and fifteen minutes.  With the news story and all my getting out and having fun I seem so strong, so adjusted, so… so… over it.  So, while my Shake ‘n Bake chicken cooks, I’ll flip over to the blog, and read just one post titled Not Much Farther.  I wrote it the morning of the day It happened, the day she died.  Two hours and fifteen minutes.  That’s how long I sat in the floor and cried.  That’s how “over it” I am.

You all give me way more credit than I deserve.  Oh yeah, I’m trying.  Half of doing is trying, right?  Every day I get up, wag my tail and hit the ground ready to play ball.  It’s been a long time since It happened so I should be adjusted, right?  Really, I am truly a lot stronger than I’ve been.  I don’t cry as often.  I don’t stare blankly at the walls quite so much.  I can’t remember the last time I broke down in public.  Heck, I even occasionally go through Facebook pictures of her (and us) and smile.  Just tonight Devon, a friend of Maggie’s from law school, posted a recently-found picture from her birthday party from December 2006.  Maggie was grinning and having a great time despite having just hours before, shown me by touch the large lump sticking out of her chest.  Seeing that picture I smiled.  I love, love, love my baby’s smile.

It’s funny timing.  Mary just posted on my last blog entry how she was impressed at how I managed to stay strong despite the ridiculous and difficult moments that come up (Chase Bank, anyone?)  Two hours and fifteen minutes.  I suppose that’s an improvement.

Chase Bank called today while I was away from my phone but I’ll chat with them tomorrow.  They called from the “Executive Office” in Houston and want to discuss my situation.  That’ll be an interesting conversation, no?

6 thoughts on “Level Check

  1. NO!! I’ve read halfway through your second paragraph, and I just have to stop and write! “… so I should be adjusted….????” NO!! There’s no “should” to this situation. It’s a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing … or maybe a 1 step forward and 2 steps back. The point is …. you are moving forward, living your life as best you can each moment. You ARE adjusting … in the way that works for you!

  2. I should also add that you may never reach a point where certain songs, blog posts, words, memories, mementoes, etc. don’t elicit one or a thousand tears. It doesn’t mean you’ve not fully adjusted and aren’t doing great. It just means that “the dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation.” And you have some very dear and rich memories that will always stay in your heart.

  3. Hey Chris

    Perhaps grief is like malaria, once you’ve had it, it is going to flare-up from time to time. Recognizing grief for what it is and indulging it from time to time is certainly better than running away. Improvement just might not be the best word to describe our dealings with persistent challenges.

    There is a little feedback on your level check… you might want to adjust some knobs. 8?}

    Hold Fast
    Don Macleod

  4. Chris,

    I am going to stand by my post the other day, it takes an enormous amount of courage to expose your 2hrs and 15 minutes of weakness and work through your grief and have the ability to share with all of us. I had a bad day the other day and was consumed so when I read your post and what you have been going through….it didn’t seem fair to compare and suddenly my day wasn’t so bad. Take 100 hours and 15 minutes if you need it….I am still impressed.

    Take care,


  5. I’m so happy that the picture I posted made you smile. It made me smile, too. You’re right — Maggie truly had one of the most beautiful, infectious smiles I’ve ever known. It will always be bittersweet for me and Scott when we look through our law school pictures and see her smiling face, but we feel so blessed to have called her a friend.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *