I’ve heard it said and I’ve seen the look in people’s eyes. “When are you going to let all this go and move on?” I stopped responding to that question. I’ve learned that any amount of explaining I do is wasted air and just makes me look like I’m a) in denial, b) clinging to the past, c) looking for sympathy. I, however, believe I’m doing none of those (denial, what?) Gosh, I sure wish I could just click an Easy button and be done and move on. Reality is that when big, bright stars explode the energy released sends ripples out far into the galaxy. Maggie was the brightest star I know. My galaxy will be feeling those ripples for a long, long time.
An example of why I haven’t “let go and moved on” is something totally out of my control. At least once a week, sometimes more often I get poignant reminders in the mail from Humana or from TrailBlazer*. Just today I got my latest letter from Medicare showing our doctor’s appointment at MD Anderson from February 5, 2009. Just in case you missed that, FEBRUARY 5, 2009 was one year and five months ago. Better still for helping me make my point, it shows that the claim filed for her visit has been denied because “This provider was not covered by Medicare when you received this service.” (That’s what the little ‘a’ means on the form just to the right of each claim – “not covered.”)
* TrailBlazer is a name I hope you don’t recognize. That’s the nifty little name and logo that’s on the notices I get from Medicare. Why it’s not “Medicare” I don’t know.
Today is day 447. Given all that’s happened (and continues to happen) I think I’m doing a pretty good job of “letting go.” But moving on, heh. I suspect that trying to meaningfully discuss “moving on” with the uninitiated probably compares with explaining how it feels to be pregnant to a guy. Good luck with that!
Keep believing in yourself and what you know in your heart is true. Don’t let the people who are thoughtless, insensitive, or just plain ignorant overshadow the words and actions of those who support you. I love you, son …
Oh, I’m not. It’s all fine. I just wanted to explain a little why it’s not just a “move on” kind of thing. 400+ days later I’m still dealing with non-mental/emotional-based challenges. 400+ days later. Wow.
Ahhhh…. I see. Thanks for redirecting my thought path. Having to deal with the myriad of lingering painful details is different…. and yet….still the same…. after more than 400 days.
When you’ve had someone like Maggie it’s hard to “let go”.One thing you will never lose are your memories of her.
Chris – there is no normal here. There’s just what is and what you feel. Keep doing what feels right to you.
Hey Chris:
I am a grieving too – about 6 months for me since I lost my love, KT. You and I have kinda run into each other via our blogs. In any case, I too struggle with the letting go/moving on dilemma. Sheesh… when you figure out how to figure this out, lemme know. I’m thinking of you, and as always, I treasure your blog. LN
I left my kids with a friend this week and drove 14 1/2 hours straight to spend what should have been our 12th anniversary on our special beach on Prince Edward Island. I only stopped 4 times for no less than 10 minutes at a time because I didn’t want to miss our “date” on the beach. It was torture sitting there alone but the tears it brought were somehow cathartic. Take care Chris, I’m thinking of you, Fiona.
Hi Chris- I wanted you to know that his past weekend, I rode 43 miles across central Ohio for cancer research. On my right leg, I wrote a list of my survivors and on my left leg were those I ride in memory of. Your Maggie was on my left leg. I never knew her but I’ll never forget her…
http://www.pelotonia.org/ride/riders_profile.jsp?MemberID=72405
Thank you.
Just wanted to say HI Chris. I check this several times a day to keep up with you. And as always, I’m sending love and prayers. BD and I are plugging along one day at a time. Enjoy your youth while you can–getting old gets tough, but the alternative is not the greatest choice either. Remember that we love you and think of you every day, even tho I don’t write. Always, Meme