Twenty Months

Today marks twenty months since I last kissed my angel.  I sound like a broken record when I say I can’t believe how difficult this still is.  Nearly two years have gone by and yet I feel like I’ve made only a few insignificant steps forward.  But I keep on.

Two days ago I cleaned out Maggie’s cool car.  It was full of memories:  her lip gloss, her driving gloves (for back when she was so sensitive to the cold), her sunglasses, a myriad of receipts, even a couple of notes from law school – all gone now.  I even found a doctor’s receipt for one of the first visits she made to the doctor before she was diagnosed back in December, 2006.  I saved that one.

Today I went to the DMV and transferred the title of the car to my name.  I had given her that car as a graduation gift, as her first really sporty car and her last before becoming a mother, and as a thank you for being my wife.  She loved that car.  Now it’s back to me.  I didn’t say a word to the lady at the DMV about what happened but when I left she had big tears in her eyes.

Every couple of days or so I open up various drawers of hers and move stuff around.  Then I close them up and walk away.  It’s still so bizarre digging through her things.  But I keep pushing.

The pushing I’m doing causes emotional reverberations, echoes that affect me for days.  For example, the How I Met Your Mother episode last night threw me into tears.  Two steps forward, then sometimes two steps back.  Then rest and regroup.  But I must, must keep pushing.

Twenty months.

10 thoughts on “Twenty Months

  1. I am glad the lady at the DMV understood and showed it. I think you were wonderful to give her the car and your reasons why made me smile. I am sorry she did not get to trade it for a Volvo station wagon or a minivan.

  2. Among other things…I’ve had my intestines pulled out cut apart and put back in… I didn’t cry once… but the end of “How I Met Your Mother” had me reaching for the box of tissues…

    Hold Fast my friend

  3. Wow, 20 months for you and me. I’m having such a hard time with the drawers and what not. I have huge plastic bins marked “sentimental Brad” on them and I just keep filling them up because I don’t want to throw stuff away forever….Forever is so long. We were supposed to be together forever and now…..not so much. I have a huge thing happening this week in my career. I reached the top of the teaching payscale in Ontario because of completing 8 university courses as of tonight and alas….no one to share it with. An $8,000 raise and no one cares. I actually don’t care. Maybe I just need to chill some more and realize that crap happens and I just have to get through it. Take care and I hope this new year brings some hope for both of us and the belief that things will get better. Fiona.

    1. I should have written this sooner, but Fiona, I care. Congrats on the success from your hard work. The completion of a dream is a big damn deal. But I also understand the “I don’t care” bit. I’m right there. I just don’t care about anything right now, really. Life just doesn’t seem to sparkle any more. But I also have confidence that it will one day both for me and for you.

  4. I read with heavy heart!I still think of you & Maggie. You have both left an imprint on my soul and life! PLEASE be kind to your self. Maggie would want it for you!

  5. Good to hear how you are doing Chris. Reading your blog reminds me of and teaches me anew so many things. Thank you.

    @Fiona- Congratulations on your career step! It matters, I suppose it may not seem to, but it does. Good to hear from you as well.

  6. Again I read about the things that you are going through and they mirror what I am going through. The drawers, the purses, the car, the closet, all the evening gowns, the coats, and on and on. It’s it’s almost 2 years for both of us and at least for me it is getting a little bit easier. All we can do is just push on.

    1. Actually, just yesterday I was pondering how it’s getting a little easier – the hurt isn’t quite as sharp. It’s more now like a sad ache, really. It’s a DEEP ache but it’s not crippling any more.

      I even find that when imagining a house _not_ filled with her stuff, I don’t cringe or get knocked backward with emotion. Just about two days ago I thought about, really thought about throwing away her robe.

      How far we’ve both come.

  7. never throw it away, maybe put it in different spot or store it-but don’t throw it away. Just having it somewhere can be a little comforting crutch. This is just me

  8. Everything that you, me, or anyone here accomplishes during our time on Earth is meaningful and significant, even if only to ourselves and/or our immediate circle of family and friends…because life is for the living!

    I firmly believe that those who have passed on would want us to continue to LIVE and revel in our accomplishments, learn from our failures, and grab happiness through those things that please us, whether it’s a walk in the woods, a long motorcyle ride, watching a football game, playing with your kids, or (insert your favorite here).

    The sparkle is still there; it just my take a little longer to find it right now. But trust me, it’s there.

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