What started in the bathroom has been spreading. Yesterday, the business of change overthrew a pile of crushed dreams in the corner of the kitchen that has gathered much dust. Stacks of receipts for closed bank accounts, letters from the court, change of relationship forms, and unused death certificates have lied where they fell after completing their last call of duty. Now, untouched for probably more than a year, these papers had become a pile of pins and needles that I occasionally ran my hand through but mostly just avoided. As of today, that pile is gone and its contents appropriately sorted and filed in the filing cabinet under “Crap That Sucks.”
While I was meddling in that area of the kitchen, I took down five pictures of Maggie that I had taped up to the tile years ago. In some of the pictures, she was cuddling Nurse Jolie’s new-born daughter Anya making loving baby faces I’d never get to see as she held our own new-born children. Another picture was a favorite that she had given me to keep in my briefcase as I traveled. Her glowing smile reminded me of happier, more-innocent days. All those pictures are packed away now and that wall looks bare.
The real challenge, however, was the non-descript pile of papers stuffed back in the corner. These little landmines were about 20% of the total clutter but about 90% of the total explosive power. There was just no way to handle this pile of razor blades without bleeding. But I’m now in the business of change. Sometimes change is hard. So I dove in and bled all over the place. Now those papers are somewhere different and less overt and one day I’ll put them somewhere else a little farther away. Perhaps just moving them (and likewise slicing into those scabbed-over wounds) dulled those little razor blades just a little bit so that the next time I move them they won’t cut me quite so badly.
It’s an odd feeling, doing this. Yes, I feel sad but I also feel a sense of cleansing or of refreshing. I don’t feel like I’m betraying Maggie and that’s the best thing. I really thought I’d be struggling with that but that specific feeling is conspicuously absent and its absence is, well, welcome. In fact, I feel less like I’m putting away and more like I’m making room.
(As I type this I’m sitting in Starbuck’s in downtown Austin. It’s busy and loud and crowded. After I typed that last sentence about making room, my fingers remained perched above the keys and the little cursor blinked on the right side of the period encouraging me to continue. Suddenly, the music paused, the crowd inexplicably got silent and the barista said quite clearly and loudly to some anonymous customer “Sometimes you gotta move on.” I suppose messages are everywhere if you just pay attention.)
On with the business of change.
8 thoughts on “Business of Change Continues”
It’s been ten years now since I lost a loved one (not a spouse, but a family member who meant the world to me). The pain of her loss is still with me, but it has gotten easier over the years. Those razor blades do get dull. I keep going. Change can be healing.
I am glad to see you are posting again. I think you have a lot to share that can help others going through similar changes…
Thanks, Cyndi. Like my recent posts have implied, I’ve been in stasis for quite some time, neither moving forward nor moving backward. I’ve got some momentum now and will be pressing (painfully) forward again.
Several things have acted as a catalyst to encourage me to move forward which I’ll write about soon enough. One is so signifiant that every widow or widower should know about it.
Great to see you making this steps. Maybe they’re only baby steps, well walking on hot coal baby steps. Either way I saw a spark in you I haven’t seen for a long time. So I hope you tell all your readers of your recent journey very soon, because you know how bad there are others out there who need it and have no idea it exists. You really do help and comfort a lot of people. Maggie would be proud, and if anyone was gonna find a way to make her voice heard, it was Maggie! And in a loud Starbucks!
So glad you’re writing here again.
And why didn’t I think of labeling a file “crap that sucks”? It would be so easy!
This makes me smile. You’ve made me smile a LOT since that catalyst you mention. Thank you.
I’m glad your back again.Your like a book I can’t put down. I know that Maggie couldn’t have had a better lover,friend and companion, and either could you. What you had in those short years some people couldn’t have in 100 years of marriage.That is why it’s been so hard for you.Have a good on to the business of change day!Maggie would want that.